I know this is a dumb thing, and it's probably how every highschool breakup goes. I still have feelings for him. My ex bf (15M) broke up with me (15M) yesterday evening. The feelings are still raw and fresh, and I do still have feelings for him. But this is all so odd. We broke up a few times, about 3, for week long periods due to his mental health declining. About two weeks ago he told me that he was going through an episode and in a really bad place. We talked about it and everything, and he said that he just needs more alone time. I did that to the best of my abilities. We still talked in school, but as soon as we would go home it'd just be silent. No texts, no goodnight texts or updates. I understood that, even if it felt really odd. About every four hours I would send a text that was pretty much "Hi! Just checking in to see how you're doing" and maybe it was a bit pushy, so I started texting less. He would send good morning texts, but not really. I later found out that he had been texting others good morning, in a less dry way. I dunno why, but it rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed as though he just wanted space from me, and that's okay, but it still hurt. Also he started talking to his ex bf, but told me that it would never go beyond friends because he had a girlfriend and he (my ex) was dating me at the time. This was awhile before he completely stopped texting, but the message about it was super lovey dovey and kind. I liked it, a lot. It made me feel valued. It seemed like he'd get flashes of being super romantic in between these more dry toned texts. It was honestly exhausting. And on days that he was really kind over text, he wasn't kind at school really. He would refrain from touch, not try to start a conversation, it just felt odd. It felt as though I was dating a person that didn't even like me, let alone want to be in a relationship. On Friday, when we were still together, we volunteered for a thing at my school. Earlier in the day we had decided that we would use a McDonald's gift card that I had, to go get the Minecraft meal. The end of the day came, and he was acting like a completely different person than the start of the day when we had decided to go there. I told him the direction we needed to go, and he spoke to me in a tone that kind of questioned if I knew what I was talking about. I explained that I drive past the turn every day, and that it was simple steps. He said that we should just use Google maps, and I agreed. I looked at the way it would take us, and it was the way I said. I asked him if he wanted to get going soon, but he seemed really upset and just said I dunno. Confused, I asked him if maybe we should just go downtown and walk, he said the same thing. I tried to figure out what was going on, but it was the same response. We walked inside and I kinda just followed him. He was acting like I was an annoying bug in his ear, and maybe in his head a lot more was going on, but it still hurt. He sat down in a wing of our school, and we just didn't walk around at all. It was wtv, but he once again, didn't start any conversation. I decided maybe I should just wait until he says something, so I decided to play a game on my phone. About 20 minutes goes by, and I'm thinking about how the day has been going. (I'm an overly emotional person, and I'm aware of that. It I get yelled at, I cry, if I mess up, I cry, if someone shoves me a bit, I focus on that and cry. I don't know what I think of how sensitive I am, I can handle a lot sometimes, but other times I just crumble. In one of our past breakups, he texted me during class, saying that I need to get my act together if I wanted it to work out. The text wasn't kind, concerned or anything, of course, it's a text so tone is hard. But it still, was definitely not caring. So I said I respect his decision, and did as much as I could to figure my shit out. I got a mood tracker, was more aware of my words, consequences. Everything I could do with no access to therapy, which I plan on getting on the future when I'm less connected with my mom) I started crying, but I really didn't want him to see it. I felt ashamed, and I'm not even sure if I should have. When he told me my emotions were out of line, I tried to figure out what it was. I came to the conclusion of anxious attachment. Pushy, sensitive, untrusting, sounded like me. I tried to fix it, every morning I have a reminder on my phone that says when I wake up, I shouldn't worry about how people see me. But fuck, whenever he gets so dry and shit, I just feel terrible and probably do get more anxious. Anyways, about an hour into this whole silent, do whatever whole awkwardly sitting next to each other time, I said that I was sorry for repeating myself and everything, but that I was sorry about how pushy I was. He looked over, smiled at me and said that it was okay, he just didn't like when people repeated themselves. Valid point, i smiled back and we started talking again. I see that he needed space, but sometimes I think a simple sentence would've really helped. Something along the lines of "I need space right now, is it okay if we just sit quietly for a while?" Maybe it's useless reassurance, but it always felt like I was being punished for breaking a rule I didn't even know about.

Since I'm describing the bad parts, there were good things happening in between all of this, and before. We were together for almost two years. And I loved being in this relationship, the gentle love I'd receive and when he would apologize, it meant so much.

That's enough explanation about how the past was, I want to talk about the actual part of the AITA. Basically it was the same thing, no talking besides a few updates about what I was up to. I didn't want to worry him like he worry's me. He was being really kind and stuff, but I had to go so we stopped talking. At about nine, I asked what he was up to. He replied, "Nothing much, thinking" I asked what he was thinking about and he told me he didn't know. This ended up indirectly being a lie, but it's okay. I told him I'm sorry and that I was worried about him, and he said that it's okay. I responded with a stupid block of text, "I don't mean to repeat myself sometimes, but it feels as though a lot is going on inside of your head and body. I don't want to pry, or pretend that I know what I'm talking about. Because I don't, but I want you to know I'm here for you. I don't want to hurt you, ever. If I ever do, it's not on purpose. It's still not okay, but all I can do is ask for forgiveness and change how I act" he replied "idk" I knew something was wrong at this point, and we kept talking. A few messages later, he said he wasn't feeling romantic, that he didn't want to hurt me and that he was scared this wouldn't work out. I told him that it would hurt, but it's okay because I wanted what's best for him. It was longer than that, and I think it made it worse. But I wanted to tell him the truth. He replied "I don't know, nash" and fuck, it hit me like a truck. Last time he used my name, it was before he broke up with me. I didn't love that, but I told him that maybe he can ramble and I can help him along the way. He said he didn't know about getting back together, and that's why he felt bad. We talked, and he said that he had been feeling like this for about two weeks. That he was trying to figure out if he really did love me or not, if the feeling of no romance would pass. I felt crushed, he hadn't loved me for two weeks. He was in a relationship that he didn't want, and I was over here hoping for scraps of romance, something. He told me that we were both not stable, and that maybe it could work out if we were, but it made no sense to me. He said before that I was too much, on that breakup. Then, I asked what it was, if it wasn't me being needy and getting butthurt. He said "And just over everything but it just, drags on for far too long" I don't know what that means. I'm guessing my feelings. I get upset about a little thing, and it drags on. But the main example I think of, is when we were at lunch and he was just being rude. Not a single drop of regret or romance that I could see, so I went silent. I didn't wanna play games on my phone, so I just stared at the wall. That's the example he used when we broke up before, and it never made sense. He had glared at me, pushed me away, and when I felt sad, he said I made it drag on. Our lunch is one hour, and I pushed those feelings down within like, 45 minutes. He glared at me multiple times, how is this so crazy to get upset about? Idk, but he said that's why it didn't work out and it bugs me.

So anyway, we ended up just saying we'd stay friends, but I wanna stop being pissy about this and I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm the wrong one, because I feel more hurt, but I can't know for sure, and also I just feel like, bleh. Like it's my emotions being too much again, I dunno. No one else has really said my emotions are too much, but this is my first relationship so maybe I am the asshole, I dunno