TW: SA, abuse

TLDR; my boyfriend told his best friend that he prefers sex with his abusive baby mom bc he “was frustrated” (he knew i had vaginismus and was SA’d before meeting him. i needed breaks during sex)

this situation happened in january. i was not allowed to post about this on reddit without my boyfriend proofreading my post, so only my therapist knows the full extent in raw form. finally able to post without bf checking it first, since he posted our messages here without telling me

i hate going through phones. i really fucking do. i’ve only gone through an SO’s phone once before this and was traumatized after that. truly gave me trust issues, and my last relationship worsened it when i found out he was cheating on me with my cousin :)

my therapist and psychiatrist have been a godsend. healing from my last relationship was torture when my ex owes me thousands of dollars and was/is insistent on maintaining communication between us. i was SA’d in august the day after my uncle died, and again in october. i worked really hard to respectfully and professionally separate, sought help for the SA, and was able to develop a secure attachment style. i’ve always been a hypersexual, and for the first time in my life i was asexual and happily abstinent. it was beautiful

i’ve been seeing this guy since early december. this relationship was very different for me because i’ve always said i will not date men with kids (no disrespect, some people with kids just don’t know when a romantic relationship is over). he has 2 beautiful children. we had a couple speed bumps in the past month, but i thought they were like those little rumble strips that alert you to be careful so you don’t crash

i honestly can’t remember much of the first time we had sex. we had just gotten back from a concert and i was very drunk, so i only remember little bits and pieces. i do, however, remember it hurting so bad. i have vaginismus and this was my first time having sex since being SA’d. i remember him reassuring me that it was okay, he wants me to feel pleasure too, and it’s okay if i need breaks. i felt so safe and comfortable. i was gonna put a ring on it

a few weeks after, he was going through conflict with his baby mom. she physically assaulted him, causing damage. he shared with me that during their turbulent 6 year relationship (in which they were engaged and minutes from marriage when she hit him), she baby trapped him with both his kids, was abusive and toxic, and cheated on him. i tried my best to be supportive and help distract his kids (who witnessed some of the abuse)

can’t tell you what prompted me to look through his phone after this. i don’t wanna call it intuition, but i woke up feeling OFF. i guess part of me was curious about how he feels about me, if he was honest about no longer wanting to be with the mother of his children

i was … disgusted. messages telling his best friend that he’s unhappy having sex with me because i need breaks often (bc of pain). saying that his baby mom can take dick better than i can. messages from 2-3 days prior saying he was cutting me off and asking his friends to hold him to that. he showed his best friend messages between us that showed my boyfriend calling me “baby” and terms of endearment. when his best friend asked him about it, he said he feels obligated to call me cute things because we were having raw sex. literally, NOTHING that i was expecting to see on his phone. the only nice thing he had to say about me was that im cool (lol)

he has compared me to his ex in other ways too. i have bipolar 2, she has bipolar 1. you can imagine how many parallels he tries to draw. not to toot my own horn, but i am not his ex. i regularly see my psychiatrist and i have my therapist on speed dial

i have worked hard to build a reputable professional and academic career. i don’t have kids myself, i’ve been too focused on school and becoming as self sufficient as possible given my disability. i just want someone to enjoy with me the life i’ve worked hard to build

AITAH for being upset at his messages? he was mad at me for going through his phone and he changed his passcode (which made me wonder what else he has there, but i know better now). i’m not justified in going through his personal messages, but i’ve done it and i’m suffering the consequences of my actions. i’ve been trying to get over it, but sometimes it’s hard having sex with him knowing there’s a chance he might be thinking about his ex and how they have sex. at first, i couldn’t have sex with him without being severely drunk. i’ve worked on that, but still. i can’t shake the feeling he might still be in love with her, or at the very least prioritizes her and her feelings over me (due to other situations i’ll probably post about). he wants me to tell him how we can move on, but how do i even fully move on from this? i’ve been acting like it never happened, that i never read those messages, and that his phone must’ve been hacked or something. he tells me everything is okay and he’s telling his best friends so much hurtful shit about me. and then he gets frustrated about other things and has a … reaction. i don’t know how to explain it. it’ll be a joke or something so minor and he just takes his “get back” to an extreme