Some context to start: I (18m) am a college freshman with a friend group of other freshmen guys from my residence hall. At the start of the semester the guys decided to join (or rush) a fraternity. The rush (initiation) process lasted about 6–7 weeks and just ended this past weekend. To celebrate the end of rush, the frat threw a mixer—which is basically a party involving fraternities and sororities. This is where the problem occurred.

One of my friends, who I'll refer to as Gilligan (fake name), is someone I’ve known since the beginning of college. Over time, we’ve gotten close, and he’s become one of my closest friends. Throughout our time knowing each other, subtle red flags began to emerge. For example, he never really had a friend group back home, was very defensive, self-absorbed, put others down to make himself look better, and often mistreated women. He had never really been told no or faced consequences throughout his life, as he was an only child. At the time, we chose to overlook these traits, thinking the positives outweighed the negatives—and, honestly, hoping we could help “fix” him.

Back to the party, Gilligan was very drunk, as usual. He's an inexperienced drinker and always struggles to pace himself. He tends to go all in, drinking until he’s completely wasted. Combine that with the fact that he’d been awake for over 20 hours, and it was a recipe for disaster.

He started talking to a girl with whom he had a bad history—he had almost cheated on his last girlfriend with her and often gravitated toward her at parties when drunk. It’s also important to note that she was sober at this party because she was the designated driver.

While trying to talk to her in the crowded room, he couldn’t hear her well. So, he decided to grab her by the waist to pull her in closer. She immediately recoiled and walked away to her friends. Gilligan, due to his intoxicated state, was confused but unbothered. He later approached her again while she was with her friends and offered her a drink. She immediately said no, and her friends ridiculed him. Once again, he brushed it off, confused but unconcerned.

Not even 10 minutes later, the president of the fraternity came up to Gilligan and told him to leave. Gilligan complied but was clearly upset and was driven home. When he got back to our residence hall, still in a blind drunken state, he proceeded to piss in a hallway corner near his dorm room and then wet the bed. He didn’t remember either event the next morning.

The following morning, Gilligan woke up to a text message from the fraternity president, asking to talk sometime that day. Still confused, he brushed it off and went about his day. Eventually, he texted another friend of ours, Holden, who had also been at the party, to hopefully get some answers. Holden told him what had happened: when Gilligan tried to pull the girl in closer, he accidentally grabbed her ass without her consent. That explained why she reacted the way she did. This completely threw Gilligan off guard—he had no memory of doing it.

Later that day, Holden and I went to talk to Gilligan’s roommate, Sawyer, to fill him in. He didn’t know exactly what had happened but had been confused about why Gilligan was kicked out of the party. As we were talking, Gilligan walked into the room. The first thing he said was, “Why are you guys looking at me like that?”

We sat down and talked with him. He claimed that he did remember what had happened—and insisted he was strictly grabbing for her waist. He said the girl was out to get him because of their past, so her reaction didn’t surprise him.

Later that day, the friend group (minus Gilligan) met up to discuss everything while Gilligan met with the fraternity president. After some reflection, we concluded that Gilligan was in the wrong—and this situation made us reassess his character as a whole. We decided we needed to stage an intervention to help steer him back on track. We also found out the girl was filing a Title IX complaint against him.

After the meeting, the president texted Holden to let him know that Gilligan had been dropped from the fraternity due to pressure from the girl’s sorority. The frat liked Gilligan but felt that keeping him would hurt their integrity. After receiving this text, we agreed we had to distance ourselves from him—not just to protect our own reputations, but because we couldn’t condone what he did.

That night, Gilligan had a conversation with Sawyer and was clearly emotional. He had cared deeply about the fraternity, as it was his only involvement on campus, and was devastated to have lost it so quickly.

The next morning, Gilligan entered Holden’s room without knocking and once again said, “Why are you looking at me like that?” The conversation was awkward and tense. Gilligan seemed on edge and not like his usual self. He proceeded to demonized the fraternity, claiming there was no true brotherhood and implying that the rest of us should leave too.

Later that night, we all met up in our friend Jay’s room to plan the intervention. After some back and forth, we went down to confront Gilligan—but turned around immediately after hearing audible moaning from his room.

After this, everyone except Jay and I gave up and went to bed, reasoning that Gilligan was too set in his ways to change. But Jay and I still had hope and decided to try again.

We knocked on his door. He answered, looking a little confused. With a serious tone, I told him we needed to talk. He sent his girlfriend out, and we entered. I told him that I spoke on behalf of the group—that we all truly cared about him—but he needed to take accountability for his actions. Grabbing a girl without her consent is never okay, no matter the context. Part of growing up is owning your mistakes and working to better yourself.

We reminded him of the consequences of a Title IX violation—and the potential legal issues from pissing in the hallway—and urged him to make better choices moving forward.

After I finished, he said he was grateful that we cared, but insisted we hadn’t heard his side of the story. He told a completely different version—denying the ass grab and saying a waist grab was acceptable at a party. He claimed to remember everything.

I asked, “If that’s true, why didn’t you remember pissing in the hallway?” He replied that it was different and kept trying to justify his actions. Keep in mind: the time between the grab and the pissing incident was at most 30 minutes.

As the conversation continued, he got increasingly defensive and said we weren’t “true friends” if we didn’t support him. Jay and I realized we weren’t getting through. As we left, I said, “If you keep going down this path, know that we can’t follow.”

The next day, we removed Gilligan from all our group chats and social media. We cut him off completely—he needed to know we were serious.

Nothing major happened that day until late at night. While we were in Jay’s room talking, we got a message from our RA that said: “Guys, please stay calm. We know there are cop cars outside, but everything is under control.”

We assumed it had to do with Gilligan. My own roommate had seen him in the first-floor lobby, speaking with his dad and the police. After a while, the cops left, and Gilligan was nowhere to be seen.

Then came the bombshell: Sawyer told us that he had walked in on Gilligan attempting to harm himself with a belt—possibly attempting suicide. That’s why the police had been called. We were told Gilligan had gone home with his dad and likely wouldn’t be returning.

So here’s my question: Am I the asshole? I worry that my conversation with him may have pushed him over the edge. Of course, we wanted him to face consequences—but never anything like this. Did I do the right thing by confronting him and cutting him off? Or did I push too hard and make things worse? I’ll live with the guilt of that conversation for a while, but I still don’t know if I did the right thing.

Sorry if this is long and wordy, I wanted to make sure everything was right.