I was in a very confusing and exhausting relationship. From the start, she would cancel plans at the last minute, tell me I would eventually get tired of her, suggest I find someone else, complain that I didn't visit her enough, and then, when I tried to see her, she'd come up with excuses like her room being messy. Whenever I brought up any concerns, she'd threaten to leave, and often tried to make me jealous by saying people were asking if she was single.

Eventually, she blocked me and later texted saying she missed me. Her mother even called asking if I loved her daughter. Shortly after, my ex invited me to her mother’s birthday party and messaged me again saying she loved me and missed me more than she thought she would, asking if I wanted to come over. I refused, and she said it was "my choice," accused me of abandoning her, said I took her happiness away, and asked me not to text her anymore to avoid giving her false hope.

Throughout the relationship, she showed a lot of insecurity: she didn’t want to share social media, avoided having me around her family, disappeared after arguments, got upset over small comments, and constantly found reasons not to meet up. She even encouraged me to download dating apps, and after we broke up, I found her active on those same apps.

There were many moments when I tried to be present, but she would suddenly change plans. For example, once she said she wouldn't go to a party, so I decided to attend church instead — then she changed her mind and went to the party, encouraging me to go to church alone. I tried to spend some time with her beforehand, but she refused. I still showed up, bought chocolates, waited outside, and her sister invited me up. She introduced me to her friends as her boyfriend, but during the party, she made uncomfortable jokes about finding someone else for me.

Small issues would always escalate into fights. She was very private and reluctant to let me meet her family. Even after the breakup, when we tried talking again, she accused me of using and deceiving her, and finally blocked me once more.

After going through so many contradictions, emotional ups and downs, and insecurity, I'm left completely drained. I’m in such a low place now that, honestly, there are moments when I feel like disappearing altogether. I'm trying to hold on, but it’s getting harder every day.