I (F36) have been with my partner for 13 years (M42), for the last three years he’s been struggling with his mental health but until May 24 refused to seek help despite me trying to encourage him. He lost his dad in 2020 which hit him really hard, he was doing okay but through Covid he worked for one client only, the relationship turned sour and after this he really lost his drive for work (works for himself). I guess this is where it all started to hit him. I tried to get him to go to therapy, which he said he couldn’t afford so I offered to pay for it. He chose life coaching. Which led him to try and pursue online streaming. The streaming itself has caused quite a few arguments, originally he was modding for a 21 year old girl and because of his avoidant attachment style, he got really defensive when I asked about it and I felt really insecure (I have an anxious attachment style). The arguments got so bad I went to therapy because I thought my anxiousness/jealousy were causing all of the problems. In May 24 he finally went to the doctors and got meds, since then he started working less and less and was signed off work on Sept 24. He since told me all of his stress and his depression is caused by the relationship. And that the relationship is an embarrassment because I don’t pay for more of the bills while I earn more - I did offer to but I got so annoyed he was gaming it caused another argument and he then did t want me to pay more of the bills. But has since said our financial situation is an embarrassment even though I check in with him how’s hes doing every month, pay for all of our trips, holidays etc. He thinks gaming is helping him but I think it’s making him more avoidant of how he’s actually feeling and it’s made him worse. Hes now working only 10hrs a week and gaming the rest. I’ve tried asking for therapy, for couples therapy to help us but he refused. Now I’ve broken up with him he wants to do it, and said we owe it to the relationship which has made me furious. My therapist thinks I’ve been depressed in the relationship but I can’t help feel so guilty. We’re still living together. I’m trying to spend as much time as I can away but I came home recently and I’ve noticed just how much more hes been drinking - like a lot of wine. It’s heartbreaking to see, he hasn’t told his friends and they’re all messaging me asking if he’s okay - he also recently lost a friend to suicide but didnt go to his funeral or memorial. I just feel like the biggest dick in the world when he’s obviously struggling so much.