This is a throwaway because I just need some advice, insight, and maybe a reality check. My (20F) now ex-boyfriend (21M) won’t talk to me about what happened, and I’m left with no closure.

We were in our first relationship — together for about 9 months. He was my best friend and my person. We talked all day, shared dreams, supported each other, and even discussed our future together. Of course, we had our share of arguments, but the bond felt strong — until last month.

The First Red Flag

About a month into the relationship, we were walking and being silly. He was recording a video of us, and later when I watched it, I heard something I hadn’t caught earlier — a racist joke about me, implying I had no merits and only benefited from minority-based advantages. It really hurt, even though he called it a joke.

When I confronted him, he denied being racist, apologized profusely, and got so upset that his blood pressure spiked. I ended up comforting him, feeling like I was overreacting, and brushed it off. Maybe I was being too sensitive, I thought.

The Trigger

Months later, I saw his texts with a female friend. He made similar racist jokes and she laughed at them. It hit me — maybe he was just hiding this side of himself from me. Did he feel more comfortable with her? Weren’t we supposed to be best friends too?

I started feeling hurt, insecure, and emotionally left out. I never felt like I could joke with him that way. I felt like she saw a side of him I never got to, and maybe our bond wasn’t as strong as I thought.

The Breakup

We had already been arguing a lot. I was physically and emotionally unwell, and everything felt heavy.

During one fight, I brought it up:
“Does she find your racist jokes funny?”

At first, I didn’t explain. But later, I gathered the strength to open up and tell him how I’d seen the texts, how I felt like she got the "real" version of him, and how that made me feel small and excluded.

His response?
“Yes, I suppress that side with you because you got hurt, but she can take a joke. She’s chill about it.”

I asked, “So, she’s better than me?”
And he said, “Yes, she’s better at taking jokes.”

He went on to say that it’s common now, part of internet humor, and I should spend more time online to understand it. He compared me to his other friends who "don’t get offended."

What I was hoping for was some reassurance. Like, “Even if our sense of humor is different, you matter more to me than anyone else.” But I didn’t get that. Just comparisons and criticism.

To add salt to the wound — this same girl once mocked his outfit and called it disgusting. He came to me, hurt, and I reassured him, telling him how amazing he looked and how his style was so authentic. How she had no business to comment of my boyfriend's looks when it was me whom he had went out with that day and I was just in awestruck how beautiful my boyfriend looked. But now, she’s the one who’s “better” because she laughs at offensive jokes?

Feeling triggered and in tears, I blurted, “Then let’s break up.”
And he agreed.

Later, I tried to explain myself, apologized, told him how I felt. He said I was implying he was a man-whore and that I was just insecure. I apologized again, trying to take accountability. He said he was the one who failed and told me to just move on. No closure.

Now I feel like I let my emotions destroy something beautiful. Maybe I was too sensitive. Maybe I asked for too much.

AITAH for lashing out and ending the relationship after he said another girl was better at handling jokes?

TL;DR: My boyfriend made a racist joke about me early on. I forgave it. Later, I saw him joking the same way with a female friend who entertained it. I felt like he shared more of himself with her. During a fight, I asked about it, and he said she was better at taking jokes. I broke down and said we should break up. He agreed. AITAH for reacting that way?