We (M42, F40) have hard time especially when it comes to what my mom did in the past. Example : years ago while my mom was visiting us (we live in different countries). We used to sit and chat in the evening occasionally - mostly me and my mom apparently. Once my mom suggested my wife could go to bed telling that it is late. My wife was angry and left room. While I find it not appropriate one adult telling other what to do (post factum), I think it is not fare to blame me for not interfering and reminding that over years. After all she is also an adult and could tell her point. Also, AT THAT MOMENT it didn’t sound to me like commanding as it was really late and my wife was obviously bored listening to us.

I must give some background to be fair to my wife. We come from a country where the parents’ involvement is socially acceptable and my mom behave very bad at the beginning (once she told my wife that I will divorce her if my wife doesn’t respect her). She tried to interfere in our life (like on how we renovate our apartment). It took several years for me to set boundaries, also due to the fact that we relocated to another country one year after our marriage and met twice a year. I supported my wife on visible things, like my wife told from the beginning that she is not willing to live in same apartment with my mom and we bought an apartment, although it was rather unusual thing in our country. However, I didn’t notice milder manipulations as I was obviously biased both talking into account the cultural background and I lacked separation. All this past is haunting us. I feel like under lens in all that refers to my mom. I stopped my mom visiting us and we stay in a separate apartment when we visit our home country. She went to therapy (her therapist told her to divorce immediately). I go to therapy. We go to family therapy (we fired two therapists as my wife felt those not being professional and me not being honest, last therapist was literally telling my wife not giving me any credit for my efforts). However, even small things (for her not small) transform into a fight where she accuses me of not having boundaries and being enmeshed. Often when I try to bring some arguments she accuses me of being manipulative and narcissistic. On my suggestion me to visit my mom alone once a while and concentrate on solving other issues, she tells that this is unacceptable and the family is supposed to travel all together. She seeks (and finds) validation on social platforms telling only her part, showing me like a villain. What makes me feel worse, she is telling our friends here and there what happened. Of course, she tells that in a key that I have ruined her life. However it all happened almost 10 years ago, she refuses to acknowledge changes in me and I feel given no chance. I want divorce. Am I the asshole? I know this is more about flushing what is on my heart. I know that I have failed in the past, rather I seek an advice on how to see if there is a chance.