This is a throw away account for obvious reasons. I need to know if I am the asshole, or if I have a right to how I feel.

Before Christmas, I F24 was getting burnt out by my non binary sibling 22 (I will call them Kay). They had previously moved, in my city, and my family had come partially to help them, but also because we had previously planned to go to a festival together. We helped move their things to their new place, but once we started doing the activities which were the main reason of coming to the city, Kay was mad and threw a massive fit that they did not feel supported in their move despite us doing 4 trips across the city with their things. They wanted us to also assemble all of their furniture and put their items away for them. My parents guilt tripped myself and my sister as well as our partners to come and build their things, which took away our time from the festive. We never complained, we just built the furniture, and instead of a thank you, Kay said, you better have built that right.

Another instance before Christmas, myself and my boyfriend were going home to visit my family, and offered to bring Kay, they accepted the offer. when getting into the vehicle they were banging up the side of our car with their metal water bottle, and when my partner asked them to be careful the response was "its just a water bottle" and they proceeded to put in headphones for the full 3hr drive and get annoyed when spoken to, as if we were just an uber service.

On this past trip they told me that they wanted to start female hormones. My response was that they should be careful and look into all of the health effects to ensure that they are happy with all of the changes that will occur, and that they should look into long term effects as well. I never said that they should not get the hormones, just that I had read a paper where there had been development of tumors and to be careful. I said this only to make sure that they are making a decision that they are happy with. later I walked into the kitchen where they were telling my mom the same thing, and Kay turned to me and screamed to go away and that I said "that they would die". This is not close to what I said or in the spirit of what I said at all.

My sister and Kay had a falling out earlier when my sister was complaining about being dress coded for her bra constantly. kay had told her that she should cover up and doesn't know what men say in the men's locker room and that they do so she should just do it since she's dressed poorly. my sister had yelled back that they don't know what its like to wear a bra, and they started to scream at the top of their lungs and slammed the door to their bedroom door over and over saying fuck you, because they felt as if my sister had insinuated that they are not a woman. She felt scared as they were the only two at home at the time. My parents came home and sided with Kay saying my sister shouldn't have said that.

I also tried to help them get a job before Christmas. They had only ever had 2 jobs, one that they worked for 1 day before being let go, and one that they did for 4 months before being fired for performance and being rude. I offered to get them a job where I was working, and they told me no because they are "too good" for a role there. I was offended and responded with "I work there" and they just ignored me. They have been using my parents to pay their rent for the past 2 years. At one point both my parents had 2 jobs to make ends meet and pulled all the money out of my sisters school fund (she is currently now in school) to pay for things for my sibling. I also had to send $750 to my family to back pay my phone bill for the year. Imagine my surprise when Kay says that they got set $750 from my parents.

These are just some examples of why I was burnt out, but not the full story. Anyway, when Christmas came, I had decided that I was not going to go out of my way anymore to talk to Kay, i would respond if Kay talked to me but I was tired of everything I said being changed dramatically and for their disregard for everyone else's time and effort. Usually I gather everyone to do activities but I didn't this year. I left it up to them to come and join instead of hunting for them all Christmas and begging them to play boardgames with us. The only two times my sibling came to talk to me themself was to complain about the present I got them which was a sweater the same gift I had gotten my sister. They came to complain that it was a bad gift and asked why i would get them that. I told them our mom said they needed more nice sweaters which was followed by "oh so its mom's fault".

The other time I know I fumbled. They were telling me about their new boyfriend. I asked them where they met, and they refused to tell me. I asked them what they are like, they wouldn't respond. I asked to just tell me about them and Kay said "I don't know what you want me to say". eventually they showed me a picture of them and asked did you see their shirt. I said I was not sure what the flag correlated to and Kay said the boyfriend is asexual. I know i shouldn't have said this but I told them I don't want to know about their sex life, I want to know about the boyfriend. Kay was offended, but I feel bad for the boyfriend. I wouldn't want someone to introduce me just based on my sexual interests, and Kay gave no other description of them, not even their name. I know my response was bad but I was annoyed at having to play 21 questions since it felt rude to not ask anything when Kay told me about them.

Later my sister and I were talking about transwomen in sports. I had said that I don't think there is currently a good system and they need to change the system so that it is more fair, as transwomen are inherently larger in size. I would like to say that I am not transphobic, and do agree with transwomen having rights, and I do not mean to say that they should not play sports, but that the system is wrong currently. I do not care what bathroom they use or anything else like that. I run a community organization for women, and in my time running it I expanded the program to include transwomen (not to say I'm doing much, but just to say I'm trying to do my best to be an ally). Kay had come upstairs and I had not noticed, perhaps we shouldn't have discussed this topic here at all but hind sight is 2020. Kay screamed at me that I am transphobic and stopped as if they were going to hit me before they ran away and started blowing up my moms phone with texts saying i need to go to sensitivity classes and do research and learn all this stuff. I have never believed that we need to have the same beliefs as each other, and I encourage and love debates. My mind is never made up and I can be swayed one way or the other, but that is not how Kay feels.

After kay calling me that I was incredibly hurt, as that is not how I feel about trans people, I just think there is a system that needs to be dismantled. Anyway I tried to tell my mom the next day that I'm tired and I am ready to go no contact with Kay, but she cut me off and said he is done with you. My whole family is acting like I'm a villain, but if we just make topics off limits how are we as a society supposed to grow? We haven't spoken for the year, and I still stand by my belief, I just want to know if I should apologize or let it be. I know I could apologize for the comment about not wanting to know about their sex life comment, but I still find it dehumanizing to limit their partner to their sexual interests and orientation. AITAH?