I'm more so here to just vent but I'll try to keep this as short as I can. But I just want someone to tell me that I'm an evil asshole who should never let himself be with another women again or that I was justified in how I reacted to everything. Because my mind has been switching between the two for months and it has put me in the worst mental state of my life.

Also a nsfw trigger warning for sexual dysfunction.

As a 21 yo man I finally had my first romantic experience with a girl. We hung out one day and it was nothing special and the next time we saw each other she asked to hangout but made it very clear that it was more than just friends hanging out. She was clearly interested in me and so was I. And things took off from there and I finally got to experience romance for the first time ever.

A bit of a backstory. 21 years old is a bit late to the whole romance party and it was because I struggled with confidence since middle school and I also didn't grow up talking to women at all. I used to absolutely hate myself. On a physical level. Hated my facial structure hated my smile hated my acne hated my hair. I hated my height because I'm short really short for a guy and I never grew since middle school. I hated myself on every possible level... And I used porn to cope with it. I truly viewed myself as grotesque creature that no women would ever want and I would die alone and never get a girlfriend or have sex.. and so I thought porn was all I would have. And I abused it. I'm mentioning this because men abusing porn can lead to erectile dysfunction. It's called porn-induced erectile dysfunction and I discovered I had that with her. And she didn't care. She understood. She was willing to help and stay with me. Because she liked me.

Also a quick clarification. Prior to her I spent the past 3 years getting over the view I had of myself. I realized how extremely unhealthy the mindset I had of myself was and how absolutely disgusting the coping mechanism I used was. I knew there was something wrong with me and that I had no right to believe I was unworthy of love before I ever gave myself the chance to try. I worked on myself for 3 years. Went to the gym, lost weight, even developed a full on skin care routine to clear my face. I learned how to socialize with people (which was the hardest thing ever) and got over my fear of talking to girls. I finally become happy and confident with myself after years of self degradation. My problem with porn was still there but I had been making some noticeable progress on it. And then I met her.

We did not last long. I didn't even date her. We were a thing for almost a month. More 3 weeks than a month. We moved extremely fast though and she was the one who actually initiated how fast we were moving and I went along with. So i got really, really attached. Not only did I finally get with a girl after spending my whole life believing it would never happen, but she let us move extremely fast so I got double attached. (We both said we loved each other lol). She decided to end things with me because she realized she wasn't over her ex. She wasn't healed from him. Some music popped up on her phone from when they were together and she got flooded with emotions and I think she said she started crying. And after that happened she didn't feel right staying with me. She decided to end things with us because she knew it was my first time with a girl and didn't want to let herself stay if she still felt that way about her ex. She said she was over him as a person and would never go back to him but wasn't healed from the break up. And I believed her. Till this day I still believe her. She had to end things with me because she genuinely liked me and knew it wasn't right for her to stay.

Here's the kicker

On the second day we hung out, which was the first planned day, she literally mentions to me that her and her ex of 3 years broke up 5 months and proceeds to tell me she's not ready for a relationship. She also tell me she just wants to be friends, except she meant friends with benefits but I was so inexperienced I didn't know, and then to make it even worse she proceeds to vent to me about her ex that same day. In one singular day she says and does all of that. And I had no clue what was going on. I just wanted a relationship. I wanted to see if we would work out and if we were compatible for each other. I wanted a relationship she didn't. She just wanted to be friends instead and I was okay with that. Because I thought she meant genuine friends. She did not mean genuine friends. She want to be friends while having some "fun". I had no idea what was going on. So you can only imagine how confused and weirded out I was when we kissed the next day and she starts going on top of me and things proceed from there. Literally nothing made sense to me that day. I didn't get hard that day but I still put blame that on the fact that I was just scared. Us trying to have sex was the every last thing I thought was going to happen so when it did I didn't know what the hell to do. Looking back on it now it still makes me feel some type of way knowing that was all she wanted from me.

That day passes and we don't think much of it. She ends up changing her mind about not wanting to be in a relationship and decided she want to try and go for one. After that things kind of move into a normal talking stage.

The next time we try to have sex, I was the one who initiated it and I couldn't get an erection at all. And it was then when I realized that all the porn I used to watch was the cause of it and I had to tell her about it. And she comforted me. I was getting ready to leave her because I felt so ashamed and I didn't think she would stay with me. But she said it was okay. She stayed. I almost cried that night. Before we both went home I asked her that if she could be the first one to message next morning because then I knew she was being serious about wanting to still stay with me. I didn't wake up to a message from her so I went ahead and messaged her first and she replied right away. It was really early in the morning and she immediately replied to me. During our short time together that was the earliest she had ever been awake. When we got together that day she said she researched into my problem and proceeded to ask me questions because she wanted to help and understand. That was when I knew I really wanted to be her boyfriend. She cared about me...

A week after that incident she still ended up kind of telling me she still wasn't ready for a relationship.. and she also never stopped talking about her ex. She would bring him up before the incident and after. Given, she stopped venting to me about him and instead would just tell me short stories about her and the ex when the conversation her and I were having would reminder her of him. And then she always felt the need to tell me. I know his name, how tiny his house is, how dumb his mom is, went into detail about the bad experience she had with him at an amusement park and at a concert. she. never. stopped. bringing. him. up.

So when she decided to do the right thing and end things with me because she realized she wasn't healed from her ex I took it well and I understood. She wanted us to try again in the future if given the chance or at the very least we agreed to be friends. Except she was my first. With my backstory I could never see her as a friend. I was always going to wait for her but I truly don't believe she would have waited for me. And both of those things were eating me alive. And the more I thought about what happened between her and I I realized how bullshit everything was. It was never going to work out since the very beginning. And that was my mindset back then. So a couple weeks after we soft heartedly messaged each other very shortly after things ended I told her I wanted nothing to do with her. I told her that I felt everything that happened between us was pointless and that it was very obvious we were never going to work out. I rudely told her she was a lesson I needed to learn. I went off on her and didn't say the nicest things to her. Why would I? She pretty much tells me she's not ready for a relationship because she's not over her ex and proceeds to vent to me about him all in one day right at the beginning of us talking. And I should be grateful that she ended things between us for THAT reason? I felt like my heart got unnecessarily broken because she was looking for something to fill the void her ex left. Was she even being serious with me??? But she stayed after I had to tell her about my greatest shame and struggle. She still made me feel like she really did like me and I did believe that she wanted to be with me. I mean she ended things between us for the most selfless reason. But that reason was always going to happen and only an inexperienced idiot like myself would never see it coming. But that doesnt take away the parts that felt real does it? This is how my mind has been for over half a year now.

My message of telling her I want nothing to do with her came out too mean. I ended up taking it back but I knew it was too late. I still took it back but I stupidly blocked her after I sent her the message because I truly thought that would be the last time I contact her. It wasn't.. I messaged her on last time because I at the very least wanted to say thank you for not leaving me when i had to tell her about my issue with porn. She was extremely mad that i blocked her the last time and sounded like she hated me. She only replied one messaged and that was that. I got blocked after and it ended there. I was blocked for months.

I handled it horribly and she handed it perfectly. This getting really long and i have more to say but Ill go thru it quickly. When she ended things she made sure to reassure my that I'm worthy of love and listed all these amazing qualities about me that other girls would adore because she knew how I struggled believing any girl would ever like. She ended things perfectly and I decided to end it horribly because of the beginning of us. Was i justified in that? I mean all the issues I had with her were mostly from the beginning and aren't a reflection of everything about her an us. Yet those issues which I only realized after she ended things were clear signs that I was never going to date her. And it was true I never dated her. And till this day it makes us happening feel sort of pointless. But was it pointless even we felt genuine at a certain point? My mind just goes back and forth.

This story gets worse because I found ways to message her and I was blocked and she had moved on. But it also gets worse on her part because of the guy she get with after me. (it wasn't her ex but kinda was lol) Ill post the other info some other time. I just hope someone reads this calls me an idiot and a piece of shit