my first post here but i really need some advice... please don't judge me too long for how chronically online I'll sound in this.

before I start I need to preface by saying I am diagnosed with autism. PLEASE TAKE THIS INTO ACCOUNT. i will not be posting any actual medical proof of it for the sake of privacy so I fear you will be taking a 16 year old on his word here but I think it's important to note so that way I can. get advice. this is also why the whole "just make new friends" thing doesn't really work for me.

i (16 m) met one of my best online friends, who I'll be calling L, (15 f) in 2023 after a huge falling out with a friend group. we immediately hit it off and got really close. we both liked the same games, and despite the 12 hour timezone difference still talked frequently. she'd stay up really late to talk to me which I was concerned about, but she didn't seem to care all that much. we used to have weekly calls on Saturdays and Sundays when we were both free, it was actually really nice.

4 months ago, she met her now girlfriend, who I'll be calling X (17 f). she won't be too important for now but just remember that they only met 4 months ago. back in feb I felt like in general I felt like she was drifting away, and I got really overwhelmed, so I blocked her on everything while I cooled down and talked to X about it since she was a mutual friend and L was concerned and voiced it in her dms. after that, I unblocked and apologized to her and all seemed fine. we continued calling, however, she then went on break and started getting really close with X. like I'm talking within a week suddenly I felt like I've just gone down a spot in her friend tier list. X recommended direct communication to avoid any issues, which I obliged to, up until one day L told me full stop it was too much.

now, for context, I will admit that I was "crashing out" daily, but I think anyone with mental issues can affirm that you can't exactly control them. they were also constantly posting and talking about what they were doing on calls as well, like imagine one of your friends went to hang out without you and in a groupchat they were discussing how fun it was to hang out with that other person. so while I think that maybe the rate I was doing this was unreasonable, I don't think the "crash outs" themselves weren't.

i should also mention that X said that this situation in general could stem from bpd, but it's the internet i'd rather not trust someone on that. i did some research when she told me and I do check in the boxes for having childhood trauma and a few of the signs of having it, but signs don't typically appear until late teenage years to early adult years. i don't know, i'd rather not go to like an actual medical professional about this story but if there's anyone in the comments who knows some things and wants more info on my mental state specifically I'm happy to give it.

anyways, back to what L told me. she explained that she didn't feel like when I was venting I was taking her emotions into account and that she didn't think I saw her as a human. ouch, that hurt. anyways, I told her that it was completely fair that she thought that and i'd stop doing it daily. but, again, you can't really control when you get upset. so instead of telling her, i'd tell X, who'd then tell ME to tell L and then I'd have to explain every time how I was scared to do that since last time she didn't take it too well.

a while back, after L and X started dating I felt L start to drift more and more from me. not a huge deal, since I already asked if I could "reserve" our usual calling days. and then they just... stopped. it was jarring at first, actually. no explanation, no nothing. X has told me somewhat recently L always says they can call until I wake up, but when I do ask to call L just tells me she's calling with X. huh. this culminated last Thursday where I vented to X about how I felt. she reassured me that L does care about me and that she doesn't hate me, and that I should talk to her about it.

there were lots of other little things too. yesterday I made a joke in poor taste because me and L joke like that a lot. X had an issue, I apologized and explained that L and I sometimes talk like that only for this guy to throw me under the bus. i wont recount everything but still.

today, I wanted to call with X. we called for a bit and then L wanted to call since she was done with work. so we all called and played a game very similar to league but not actually, it was fine for a bit. eventually I went nonverbal due to being overwhelmed. neither of them noticed until X asked me a question and I couldn't respond. keep in mind L didn't notice I wasn't talking, but X.

once I could speak again, I went back to how I usually talk. i usually have this playfully mean tone, but after I start speaking after not talking for a hot minute my voice can't fluctuate to make tones of sarcasm, so apparently when I called them annoying it wasn't in a "jokey-tone." understandable. later on, X wasn't watching her lane and her tower was going down. so jokingly, I go, "hey X, get back into your lane watch your tower! L doesn't need help over there right now!" apparently, X assumed I was yelling at her. my mistake! i agree, maybe I was yelling. I'm not too good with watching my voice. so X and L both get really upset with me, and I, still jokingly, go, "well I get that you want to have fun but I don't want to lose this game, if we lose I'm leaving." to which both of them yell at me to go. L literally said that I should because I was pissing her off. okay, whatever. at this point, another friend had joined the call and literally told them both that I sound like that sometimes.

X left the call to get ready for bed and L followed suit. alright, it's midnight for them, glad they're sleeping. nope! turns out they're both watching anime together. L dmed me asking why I was so aggressive to X to which I apologized, saying that was just how I am with her. I apologized for not being able to use my voice properly to which she said, "ok just make sure it doesn't happen again." now, this might just be my bias but what???? what doesn't happen again?? me going nonverbal and trying to be funny??

i apologized to X afterwards because I found out that she thought I was yelling at her. later, they both started posting about the anime they were watching, and I jokingly replied under all of them. L said, "i mean you was kinda acting up srry neither of us wanted to stay in call after that" to which I replied, "I don't know if I want to call with you. ever again actually."

at this point, I don't know how I can explain what follows. so I'll just be quoting a bit

L: "??? why would i want to stay on call with you when X was uncomfortable after registering your jokes as yelling ,???"

at this point I explain literally EVERYTHING about how I felt, but here are some of the ones that like . matter I guess.

Me: "I dont even know if you remember but i asked if i could call with u saturdays and sundays and ??? you just forgot ???"
L: "idk maybe i never feel like talking to you because youre always pulling shit" (never told this to me before)
Me: "??? what"
L: "do you not remember the whole week where you fucking blew up on X like a winter soldier marvel rivals combo AGAIN AND AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AND AGAIN when it was me you had an issue with"
Me: "??? if this was my breakdown i thought we resolved it via communication ??? i just talk to yue sometimes about my problems and if i did blow up at X it was very early into knowing her"

then she said she couldn't speak for X and sent her my way, but X was too tired for an actual response. when I did speak with her she said it was fine and she understood so?? I don't understand??

Me: ( in response to "why would I want to stay on call" ) "dude i was crying and nonverbal and stayed in call because i wanted to play with you guys u didnt even notice i was nonverbal until yue pointed it out to you im not even joking that entire call just felt like i was third wheeling as opposed to actually talking with you guys"
L: "was i supposed to clock that yo uwere crying and nonverbal when i was playing hok im just trying to play a game not make the amazing deduction that you felt left out when you refuse to voice it until hours later and then blow up over it()!?)!? UNDER AN ANIME SCREENSHOT)(??)?"
Me: "you were able to clock that X was uncomfortable ?? are you just trying to play the game then or is it different because i'm the one causing a scene"
L: "well yes because you yelled at them ??? while we were not being blatantly aggressive with you ??? you were upset for a completely different reason than she was"
Me: "yeah ok that's fair"

Me: "like i dont know what to tell you atp you guys were talking like i wasnt even there ??? you sound so disinterested every time we call it makes me feel really discouraged from trying to talk with you . even now im like 80% sure you're going to yell at me"
L: "when have i ever yelled at you pray tell"
Me: "you dont actually yell at me but it's the best way i can ?? explain how it feels to me ?? idk i just think ud be upset with me"
L: "then maybe dont word it like that without that context in the first place "
Me: "my bad man im venting and trying to tell you how i feel but i will attempt to change my diction to make myself more clear and understandable whilst in an emotionally confused state"

Me: "the only reason i havent told you ANY of this was because of how poorly you reacted last rime"
L: "what is your example of me poorly reacting"
Me: "the literal last time i tried to be direct with you you told me that i was doing too much so ive since stopped"
L: "??? Well yes help that wasnt even a reaction that was me being fr with you??? How was that a poor response to that situation????????"
Me: "you responding poorly ≠ your response was bad , as in you didnt take it well . you have to understand with like a week of straight communication and feeling very good about it working to being told that vents about you were unappreciated is ! jarring actually ! very discouraging !"
L: "??? what do you mean "vents to me" you were being passive aggressive to not only me but also yue i was not only saying that thing because you were venting to me "
Me: "i still dont see how my thread that was genuinely concerned that i might drift away from you because of the fact we wouldnt be talking as much was " passive aggressive " ?? at all"
L: "im not saying the VENT itself was passive aggressive im saying there were multiple actions that could be seen that way from me and yue that lead up to me coming to that conclusion"
Me: "can you ?? give examples ??"
L: "you literally admitted to crashing out every day in that same convo" with a screenshot attached. i can transcribe if needed.
Me: "and how is this passive aggressive ?? splits last more than a day and practically the whole month of february was a split for me , like to me it just looks like im being clear with you and apologizing for it becoming a daily thing"
L: "yes well you did this apology multiple times and kept crashing out anyways so of course i voiced my issue with it when it got to that point??? but to you thats me not appreciating your vents? its 3am dude im sorry im not dealing with this"

aaand after that I got blocked. X told me that L seemed really mad on the call and to be fair it was in fact 3 am but she stayed up past that.

i just need to know if you think the block was warranted, because I'm really concerned for her. even if you think she's been horrible to me (which other friends of mine who aren't X have said) I still do care about her and if I've done something that horrible i'd really want to fix it. thanks if you read this all by the way, I appreciate it.

additionally we'll be actually calling tmr to talk about it so if there's any advice on what I should say go ahead. thank you!