I want to apologize up front that much of this is contextual rambling. I feel like all of the information I provide is necessary. Maybe I just want to soothe my conscience. I guess I just need advice. Anyhow, thank you for reading.

My (30s) father (50s) is a complicated person. Maybe not all that complicated. He is fully disabled (as well as my mom) and they both worked hard their entire lives prior to this. He was raised a certain way— hard, zero empathy, angry, paranoid, and he is in general a very difficult person to be around. He has the hoarding, survivalist mentality, as do his parents (my grandparents). I am very frugal myself because of this. My younger sibling and I walked on eggshells our entire childhood and now deal with a myriad of personality and mental health issues that we are still learning to navigate as a result of his constant yelling. Therapy has helped a lot, but it is still difficult. Home-life terror is like a physical, hot-iron brand— you can’t always just talk out of you. It soaks into your skin, your brain. It scars you. Home was rarely something that felt like a safe place.

He takes everything as a personal attack. He is a little person, metaphorically speaking. He is very close to his parents (who are well into their 70s) and my parents currently live with them. Their house fell into disrepair after they got sick, and as much as I’ve tried to help fix their old home, and offered to make a space for them (all but begging they move in with my spouse, child, and I in a different part of the state) they refuse.

My mother has been dealt a grave disservice her entire life at the hands of my paternal side. They have always treated her as a second-rate citizen. Her wishes have always been ignored. She was (and continues to be) isolated from the few family members on her side that she still has left. My paternal side has made fun of her weight. They have made her feel as though she isn’t intelligent. They have walked all over her. They have reduced her self-esteem to crumbs. Life has been Hell on earth for her. She kept it together for the sake of my sibling and I as we grew up, despite the constant disrespect and misery dealt by my father’s side. She is the most meek (to an extreme fault), yet strongest woman I have ever known. It hurts me so badly that I can’t help her. My father is all she has ever known.

For context, I didn’t know things could be peaceful until long after I had moved out. I found myself in an abusive relationship for years, but something in me finally cracked. I realized I didn’t have to do that anymore. For almost a decade I stayed with someone just as angry as my father. I guess there is some truth to that age old adage that we settle for the same level of disrespect that we see our parents endure, maybe even hunting it out. I thank God that I ended things before something bad happened to me. I’m grateful I found the partner I did. I never imagined that life could be ok for me. I wasted so much time. Anyhow—

I am giving them an old vehicle I have. Well, that was my plan. They live on very little, and my dad is too stubborn to sell one of his old, broken down vehicles to have something else in his name (and his disability has a limit to what he can own).

Since the vehicle I wanted to give them has had repetitive issues (very high mileage, and a 2000s model) I have decided to trade it, as well as another old vehicle I have sitting, to hopefully procure them one a bit more trustworthy. I live on a very small salary, as I am fresh out of school and in a very shifty profession, but I want my mother to have something reliable to take them to their doctor appointments. Maybe more than anything, I want her to have something she can rely on if she ever needs to get to me. The vehicle they had been using belongs to my grandparents, and they have always had a way of manipulating my father to do exactly as they say (or else my parents paid for it somehow— they are very vengeful, and my mother has always dealt with the worst of it). Actually, my mother is now experiencing potential health issues and my grandmother has shrugged them off, saying she shouldn’t see a doctor— it’s like no one cares at all for my mother. It bothers me to no end. My mom doesn’t have anyone actually in her corner. It is heart breaking.

My dad is the most controlling, angriest, foul tempered person I have ever known. He didn’t beat us, but he mentally terrorized us. My mother, my sibling and I have spent too much time in terror. Fight or flight is an easily-wielded mechanism, and for my sister and I, at least, that part of our brains is just burnt out. I am a shell of the whole person I could have been, but I am actively working towards becoming someone whole for my child. Part of me will always be afraid they will feel the coldness left in my heart from that man. I digress.

I love my father. I know his father put him through hell growing up and this shaped who he became, but there comes a point where you take responsibility for the way you treat others. He is so cold to my mother. He treats her as a maid, and emotional punching bag, and thinks she will never leave him— and he’s right. He is all she has ever known.

Back to the main point of my post. My father now wants me to just let him use the problematic vehicle.

He wants to pay me for it (which I will never accept), but I want to give them something more reliable.

I want my mom to have something reliable. I want them to have a way to their very important health appointments, and I want them to be able to visit me in a vehicle that they can trust.

(I miss my mom. She has zero privacy and we only get to talk in brief moments, when someone isn’t standing over her shoulder. I feel like my mom is being treated as a Martha [for those of you familiar with The Handmaid’s Tale] and I only get brief moments when I can actually talk to her, and get to understand what life is like for her. I honestly… I don’t even know what to do. Or what to say. I am seething that my father (who didn’t even want to accept a vehicle from me) is now saying “give me your old one” when I am preparing to actually get them something reliable.)

My partner is currently visiting family, but I’m just so angry and needed to vent to someone. I apologize for any typos. I’m not writing carefully. I’m just done today. Any advice is welcomed. Or maybe commiserating. I don’t know. Thanks. Wish me luck, or pray for my family, or whatever it is that you do. I’m feeling so many things. Signing off for now. Maybe an update if something changes. Lmk if I’m somehow the AH.

TL; DR: My father needs therapy. He’s always been angry. My mom is long suffering and mild, and doesn’t stick up for herself. I want to get them a trustworthy vehicle, but father wants to just use an old one I have, that they can’t really count on. It is unspoken but he’s probably going to be angry and cause chaos as he normally does if I don’t comply. My mom will have to deal with his verbal onslaught of toxic anger if I don’t bend to his wishes. AITAH if I try to find them something else and try to purchase it for them?