For context, I (26F) and my fiancée (29M) have been together for 8 years this weekend. We got engaged 5 months ago. I love this guy with every fiber of my being. We have been living together for 7 years, I moved away from home at 19 (we are both from NorCal) to live with him in SoCal and pursue our careers. While not without its realistic ups and downs, it’s been a fantastic experience. He’s genuinely my best friend, I am so lucky to have found my person.

2 years ago, I got into the university of my dreams and because of this, we both moved from SoCal to NorCal. I felt bad because I tore him away from a good job, great career connections, and a school that he loved (to be fair, I did tell him we could do long distance but he elected to move with me). I will always be grateful to him for deciding to support my dreams and I’m so lucky to have a partner willing to sacrifice that much.

After we moved, he applied to a school in NorCal which is about a few hours away from my school. He is amazing and of course was accepted, which I am so proud of him for. However, it meant he had to move away, which we agreed we could manage for a year or two while I finish up my degree and he finishes his. He promised to visit most weekends since he wasn’t working and I was, and I promised I would try to visit him when I could.

I didn’t realize how tough it would be to live apart from him. Honestly, it is really difficult. I don’t have a lot of friends up here outside of a few work friends, I really struggled with the move up after creating a life for ourselves in SoCal, making great friends and finding a groove. I struggle with intense anxiety and he has really been my rock through this whole process.

When he’d visit, I’d be so happy, it felt like normal times and I felt like myself when he was here vs when he was gone, I’d feel weird and unhappy.

I am not sure what happened but lately, it’s been getting harder and harder for me when he visits. When he leaves it is so painful and I find myself really stressing about it the entire time he’s here, on top of stress from school and work and research projects and vet school applications… it’s hard to feel like myself around him. I don’t know exactly how to describe it but I feel like I’ve become somewhat of a recluse, I learned ways to really enjoy my alone time and use it in productive ways, I get enthralled in my studies, have a specific routine that feels good to follow to a tee, and keep the house in a specific way that makes me happy. I’m not sure if I’m describing this correctly but it is just how I get my dopamine fix when I’m by myself I guess? I feel like I’ve been weird when he’s here. I feel like I’ve not been any fun, I’ve been in a weird mood, and too focused on schoolwork to give him the time he deserves. He surprised me midweek this week on our anniversary and I was of course so happy to see him and that he was here, but had this weird dark cloud hanging over me because I hadn’t planned to have him here a day early (he usually comes on Thursdays and he surprised me on a Wednesday).

I asked him to leave a day early (Sunday evening instead of Monday morning) this past weekend because I was so stressed about the goodbye process going into a week full of tough exams, research project deadlines, and the vet school applications… I felt like I needed an afternoon/evening alone to decompress, go through my little routine, and set myself up for a productive week which I guess I envisioned I had to do on my own. He of course obliged and was so kind about it but I could tell it hurt him that I asked him to leave a day early. Don’t get me wrong, I really didn’t like asking him to go and after he left i wanted him to come back but didn’t want to be wishy-washy and make him feel like I was toying with him.

It sucks because I love him more than anything. I’ve tried my best to communicate this all to him throughout this whole process. He’s been nothing but kind and supportive which makes me love him even more (and honestly feel even worse). I don’t know what to do, I guess I’m just holding out hope that once I graduate this quarter and can just work instead of do the whole work/student lifestyle, and hear back about vet school, things will settle down and I’ll be normal again.

Am I an idiot??? I don’t want to hurt him and i feel like I’ve been such a dumbass lately