Title sounds bad, I know.

I (24F) have been dating my BF (24M) for a few years. Because of work and school, we’ve been long distance for almost 2 years, but I’ll be moving to his city soon.

Just to clarify (because of the title), my interpretation of what a man is not the whole misogynistic, “needs to fix cars and not talk about their feelings” thing. I think both people in a relationship should feel comfortable being emotionally vulnerable, and I think we should both take care of each other. When he’s out late at bars, I always stay up and check to make sure he gets home okay.

However, as much as I believe men and women should be equal, the reality is that women are more vulnerable. Men can be CREEPY, and I am often in situations where I feel unsafe just by virtue of living in a big city. I get catcalled, followed, leered at, all the works. I want a partner who acknowledges that discrepancy and is more protective because of that.

So here’s the conflict- he is very protective when it’s easy. He bought me pepper spray when I lived in an apartment and had to go out at night to let my dog out. But when it comes to things that might inconvenience him, he’s not.

Some examples- we’re about to move and he wants to live in the middle of the city. I, however, want to live 10-15 minutes away. My reasoning is that I visit that city often, and even when I walk around during the day, I’m often catcalled and have even gotten things thrown at me. Because of the dog, if I can’t get a backyard, I’ll be walking around it often. In my own city, I recently moved to a quieter neighborhood just 10 min away from downtown, and it’s been worlds different.

To be clear, I’m still willing to live in the city because I know it’s important to him. But when I brought up my concerns, just to evaluate the pros and cons, he completely invalidated me and told me that my concerns are dumb, it’s safe, and there’s other women who do that so why can’t I.

Same thing happened when we were at his place and we had ordered Doordash. To get the food, one of us would have to go down to the apartment lobby and let him in. I know it’s not a big deal, but it was late at night, and frankly I didn’t want to interact with a random man alone. But when I said that, because my BF was tired from work and wanted me to get it, he again told me that my fears didn’t make any sense and got mad at me because I wanted him to do it instead of me.

Also, when we walk around at night, he’s in much more of a hurry and a faster walker, and he walks ahead of me, which I don’t like.

I wish he had the natural proclivity to not do that crap, and want to take care of me and acknowledge my uncomfortableness.

It all came to a head last night when another similar incident happened, and I blew up at him after he invalidated my concerns. He scoffed at laughed at me when I said I felt unsafe somewhere. I told him I needed him to be more of a man, and I didn’t trust him to take care of me. I admit I blew up a bit, probably too much, and he’s given me the cold shoulder since.

So, Reddit, AITAH?

EDIT: For context I’ve been assaulted multiple times so I’m a little more afraid of random men than maybe the aggregate, and he knows that