For context I (26F) and my husband (26m) have been together for 13 years and married for 6. My birthday was 2 days ago, we weren’t doing much as people were busy but I did say that I wanted to watch a YouTube video with my family, my husband both heard and acknowledged this, but while we were watching memes waiting for my mom, he got up and did his taxes (they were due that day and he had procrastinated).

I didn’t text him when we were ready to watch the video because I had told him earlier that he could do them after dinner and the video, and since he ignored what I had said previously I didn’t think it was my job to tell him. I was mad. He later brought this up in response to me being upset about it as a counter argument.

Today my family suggested going to see a movie I had wanted to see for my birthday to celebrate. When I told my husband we were going at 8 he said he“didn’t want to” and “heard it was a bad movie” I told him that he doesn’t just get to be my husband when it’s convenient for him.

He ending up calling my mom to get a ticket for the movie but when she questioned him regarding the fact he had previously said that he didn’t want to go, he said “well me not wanting to go is being equivalated to me not wanting to be her husband” which isn’t what I said. My husband had been working the past 7 days straight and only has 2 days off which is part of why he doesn’t want to go.

We had also agreed that we would have sex today instead of last night because he “was exhausted and had a headache” Which if this was an occasional thing that’s fine! I’d totally respect it. But he says this every time. So when he starts yawning and saying he has a headache I know exactly where this is going. It felt excessive to me. Like he’s trying to say no without saying no because he knew it’d upset me.

I have an immune disorder, chronic fatigue, and daily chronic migraines. But I know that I need to put in effort into my relationship despite having those problems and often times not wanting to, because I value my relationship and I value the other person. Thus the reason why it upsets me when he doesn’t make the effort despite feeling tired and having a headache.

I asked him if we were going to have sex and he said, like always, “I’m tired and have a headache” I got upset, and stone walled him which is one of the points where I may be the asshole. He then sighed and said “if we’re going to do this let’s just get it over with” I said “I don’t want you anymore because watching you drag our feet and complain about participating in our relationship, is so unappealing to me. I have to pull your teeth for things celebrating your wife’s birthday and having sex, which is about more than just pleasure it’s about connection too.” He asked me “do you want to have sex then?” And I replied “with you? No” (this is another point where I may be the AH)

It’s also important to note that he’s not even going to bed. He’s playing video games with his buddies. It also hurts because I know he just watches p*rn and diy’s it later. I do really love this man and am normally really tolerant towards his exhaustion and understand wanting to relax. I allow him to put things off or not do them at all because of it. I’ve let him cancel date plans, picking up his laundry, doing the dishes, etc. I’m frustrated but I don’t want to be a bad person, so AITAH for telling my husband I don’t want to have sex with him?

Edit: I misunderstood the convo between him and my mom (I only heard snippets) she asked him if I was doing okay because I seemed off, I don’t know where his comment was in the conversation.

Update: Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. Your comments helped a lot and gave me perspective. I talked with hubby. I apologized for where I was wrong or could’ve done better. He did the same. We discussed how we can do better in the future and we both feel understood and valued. We agreed that my feelings were valid but my actions were not. Marriages aren’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean you give up when things are hard. Sometimes you need some outside perspective 😊 have a good day y’all!