FYI:

I understand the dynamics fully.

I've seen the patterns and motivations.

I've reached clarity about who I am and what’s happening.

Here are my findings:

ROOT:

When I talked to my brother, we got down to the issue and he said he doesn't know. I ask him why I have to do things for my mother. He says because she gives me stuff. I say but I'm her responsibility? She has to take care of me if she wants me, right? He agrees. So I ask him why I have to give back to her for taking care of her responsibility. Eventually he responds with "I DON'T KNOW."

ALL of them are unwilling to understand why somebody else feels a certain way. They just throw in their criticism, without ever understanding why somebody thinks that way. Because their opinions are "standard", like common sense. They think it's just how things are, but there's no understanding WHY those things are right. 2+2=4, but why? They don't know, it's “just common sense!” She told me nobody knows why the sky is blue (we do) and I tried to explain it to her and she says, “No, that was god. You aren’t right.” Seems like hive mind.

Mother refuses to take responsibility for me because I "treat her like crap" because I don't want to do dishes for her. But she is willing to take care of Jacob because he is "obedient".

All I want to do, is understand why I'm wrong. But if I can't understand why I'm wrong, how do I know where to improve??? I'm not a mind reader. So when I ask her for a solution to the problem, she just says, "Because that's the way I like to do things."

She's saying, "You're only worth caring for if you do what I say, exactly how I like it."

She doesn't realize that obedience does NOT equal respect. My brother does NOT respect her just because he's obedient. It's because she is forcing him to. He is scared that she will beat him, or take away his Xbox, or not do things for him in general. He is afraid of the consequences.

It implies that my worth in the family is being measured by how much I comply—not by my character, not by my effort to understand, not even by my needs.

FEEDBACK LOOP:

Example: Parent-Child Conflict Feedback Loop

I act in a way my mom doesn’t like

(e.g., showing frustration, disrespect, or resistance).

She responds by pulling back support

(e.g., not driving me, restricting resources, criticizing me).

I feel unsupported, misunderstood, and frustrated

→ So my behavior gets worse (more withdrawal, disrespect, apathy).

She sees more “bad behavior” and pulls back even more

→ She justifies it as “natural consequences” or tough love.

I feel even more isolated and resentful

→ So my ability to self-regulate and communicate drops again.

All of this is contributing to why an issue and me needing therapy ever came up. It seems small, maybe when you break it down, but this is the tiny seedling that turned into a redwood tree. It causes a lot of the issues. This is actually where therapy got me. So please share your opinions, the more I know about others opinions, the more I understand myself, and when I understand myself, I am able to improve, and when you have more and more people do that, it makes a better world. Thanks :)