Okay so, I have these cousins (third cousins really) and they're flakes to say the least. They live about 20 minutes away from me and always reach out with "hey let's make plans, miss you, let's catch up" and I'm ALWAYS down. I make the plan, make the reservation, set a time, offer to pick them up, every single time. And every single time, the DAY of or hour before, they cancel. Sometimes it's "having a bad day", "in a mood" or honestly no reason at all just need to cancel. Okay.

Now the two cousins are sisters, and it's like they can't go somewhere unless both of them are free. One messages saying hey she's not available so let's cancel. Okay I'm okay to still keep the plan? My brother was in town just for 3 days they hadn't seen him in years. Again, THEY made the plan and then day of, cancelled. I'm like okay my brother is leaving though so maybe one of you can come? No reply to that message. Okay.

Anyways... now I'm getting married. My fiancé calls these cousins "the flakey cousins" now because it's been well over 3 years of them consistently making plans and cancelling. They're still family to me so I still reach out, try to make plans and am always happy to make time for them (and having back up plans because they never actually come through).

I sent them my save the dates when we booked our venue. They replied with "Awww thanks so much! My friend is getting married in Brazil that same month so I'll have to get back to you, she doesn't have her date yet". Okay. My wedding is here, you have the date CONFIRMED, this isn't like your BEST friend, and I'm your family. Not sure what this message was meant to say. They could have not said that at all, my mom thinks they wanted us to know that to make us feel like we're second choice/not priority (something she said she experienced for 20+ years with her parents). Anyways, alright... cool.

I invited them to my bridal shower. My mom and fiancé did not like that, saying they have never been there for me and this is something they will flake on again. I'm like no that's not true, they'll realize this isn't just one of those things to flake on and they'll come.

I sent them the invitation to the shower 3 months in advance. Immediately one of them responded with "Oh [my sister] is in Boston and she hasn't booked my flight back yet, and was gonna book it for that day, so we will have to see". Okay. First of all, why is it we will have to see? One of you will be here clearly, you live in the same city. Okay. I replied with "Oh okay, well I hope since she hasn't booked it yet maybe she can get a flight that's even a day earlier to come? Also hope you can come either way!"

Couple of days passed and their response "Sorry, there are no flights from boston before! Both of us won't be able to come". Bullshit. I live in Toronto and you're telling me there is 1 flight that entire week from Boston to Toronto? Okay. But also lol okay both of you won't be able to come. Alright.

Honestly kind of the last straw at that point. I thought the one who was here could at least make the effort. My mom and fiancé said don't be surprised, they're always like this. They'll do this for the wedding too. Wouldn't put it past them.

Fast forward to today. They messaged saying "Hey is it just us invited or are our parents invited too? Wanted to plan". And I'm sure they had a good intention (as they always do... until they flake). And my mom said either don't reply or just tell them how you feel about their flakiness and how that whole Brazil and Bridal shower thing made you feel. She and my fiancé prefer we don't have them on the guest list period and I've been too nice giving them any importance in the first place.

I may have replied a bit harshly but here is what I wrote: "Hey, thanks for checking in... It's a bit of a difficult situation for me, you told me about the wedding in Brazil and I felt that was a priority for you. And to be completely honest I have felt like any plans we make with you, you both flake on the day of, sometimes even an hour before and this just isn't something we want to have for my wedding day. It's a very important day for me and my family and it's just one of those things where even if you RSVP, we won't take that seriously and we'd rather have people there who realize how important it is to us to show up and be present.

I had you, your sister and your mom down on our guest list initially but we feel that if you are not committed to being guests and actually coming (and not flaking last minute, sorry to put it harshly) then we prefer to make this cut to our guest list."

Her reply:

"I reached out in good faith, and your response was condescending and clearly performative.

Everyone is allowed to grow and show up differently, and [my sister] and I certainly don’t need to be spoken to with judgment or contempt for having complex lives. There are more gracious and empathetic ways to communicate than how you chose to write this message. Your response says more about your character than ours.

We won’t be attending."

Immediately following this, she blocked my number (so did her sister), and on all socials. I didn't get a chance to reply.

Now, I don't think I was condescending or performative and I think they were being a bit too self righteous in their "We have complex lives"... yes we all do... but I'm here for my family. They bail on plans they make and I wasn't gonna have it for my wedding.

The blocking kind of gave me the vibe that you get when someone gets overly salty for being called out and can't handle the truth.

I may have been a little mean but for me, they've never been there for me and never actually showed they care about us. Their attempts to make plans are what I find performative, they never follow through and I wanted them to know how I felt.

My mom has said that too many times she has dealt with the same thing with their parents. With that whole family. My fiancé has never met them despite them making plans to meet him and then cancelling themselves, he doesn't have a good image of them. And I do want to put into context it's not 1, 2, 3 times they have cancelled. It's every time for the last 6ish years. Out of 100 plans we've made, 2 have happened. They couldn't come see my sister when she had either of her kids (again, despite living quite close by). They admittedly also apologized years ago for not being around when my dad passed away. Given how they have been to us and acting like they are living superior lives and we aren't important to them, my mom said it's worth it to let them know they're an option for us too.

Was I an ass here? Am I in the wrong?

I'm not a confrontational person so this has been bothering me all day and I even felt bad when I sent that initial message. But it's my wedding and it's expensive and given that I know how flakey they are, I'd rather allocate the guest count to others who would genuinely care and show up if they say they will.