This situation has gone on for so long it's going to be hard to summarize this coherently, but I will try my best to be concise.

My brother (31M) and I (21F) have lost our father 12 years ago, and my brother has been doing drugs since he was 16 -we're talking heroin and cocaine- to cope with things going on (our father was an alcoholic before he died). We also have a history of addiction and depression in the family, so I don't really blame either of them.

To finance his consumption and repay debts, he stole easily over 30 000€ worth of posessions and money from my mother and grandmother, and that's only what I am aware of as there is certainly plenty more I haven't been told about. Currently he freeloads at my grandmother's house, with no job, barely helping with chores and tasks, while still asking for more money to get his drugs and cigarettes.

Despite this, countless guys my brother owed debts to came over to our house to threaten us and order us to pay them back, my mother often having to pay additionnal 500€ or 1 000€ here and there because my brother is aways broke. Several times we heard people planned to ransack our house or burn it down because he kept making debts he couldn't pay back. My mother barely sleeps anymore and is constantly stressed out even with the alarm system we set up recently.

And finally, a few months ago, while he was still living in our mother's house, he threw a fit over money I "stole" from him (money he owed) and tried to beat me up in a blind rage. I managed to run away from him and kept my room's door shut through the sheer power of fear and adrenaline, despite him making several holes in it and completely wrecking the lock. Had to call the cops to kick him out of the house. Since then my mother threw him out, but my grandmother took him in, which infuriates me, especially since he physically threatened me in front of her several times when I called him out on his shitty behaviour.

Even with all of this, my mother still keeps him around, still asks me to "bear with him" when she invites him over for Christmas and New Year's eves, still yells at me for expressing my hatred towards him and discomfort at being in the same room as him. She won't even acknowledge that him almost beating me up has marked me, saying I am exagerating and that I should make an effort.

I tolerated his behaviour my entire teenage years and early adult years, I kept getting along with him despite seeing how worse my mother's life was because of him, how much she struggled with money already, and how many times she threatened to kick him out despite never delivering on her threat. I kept getting along with him for her. Because I didn't want to add more burden to her load.

I'm done. I want him away from me and from my family. He caused too much pain and suffering without ever feeling guilty about it, he had many, many occasions to go clean, or at the very least stop making debts and get a job to finance his consumption. He never did. And all I can do is watch and try to help however I can, but it will never be enough to compensate for what he does.

So here I am, unable to leave my mother behind because I know it will be worse for her without me, and unable to do anything about my brother because in the end my mother is the one making the calls, and she'll always make the wrong ones, always give him yet another chance, always pay with money she doesn't have.

I'm not even ashamed to say this, but I wish my brother was dead. To me he is nothing but a parasite eating away at us without even thinking about the harm he does. My family members say my hatred towards him is too extreme and that I shouldn't be thinking that, but I can't help but feel that way. I wish he was dead. I wish the gangs he owes money to would just kill him and sell his organs to repay all of his debts. Am I the asshole for thinking that way ?