Sorry for the long post, but I want to give the full picture. Before my roommate (21f) & I (24f) moved in together in December 2024, we spent three months discussing expectations, setting rules, & getting to know each other. We met at work & bonded over wanting better living situations—I was escaping a studio with a crappy ex, & she wanted to move closer to work. For privacy, I’ll call her “Sally” & her boyfriend “HPT”.

Before moving in, Sally often vented about her on-and-off 3-year relationship with HPT. She described him as a mooch—he couldn’t hold a job, lied about applying to jobs, & relied on her financially (rent, groceries, other living expenses). He also owed friends & Sally money, promising to pay them back but never doing so. I pointed out that she (and others) were enabling him, in which she agreed.

Sally wanted to leave him but needed to prepare—his name wasn’t on their lease, he had no income, & no stable housing besides her apartment. She didn’t want to leave him homeless but wanted minimal stress during her move. Once, she confided in me that after an argument with HPT, she told him she no longer wanted physical intimacy. One morning, half-asleep, she realized he was dry-humping her & ejaculated on her without consent. I explained that this was a non-consent situation & bigger action should be taken if that’s what she wanted. I offered her a space to stay in the meantime if she felt unsafe & asked what she wanted to do. She admitted that if it were anyone else in her situation, she’d be claiming the same statements but not for herself & that she did not want to take action at this time since she was still just trying to process what had happened to her.

When we discussed moving in, I made it clear I didn’t want HPT in our space as much as she made it clear to me that she didn’t want him in our space. We agreed over multiple occasions that he would not enter our space, she broke up with him, & we signed the lease in December.

In February, Sally said they were “working on things” & wanted to invite him over. I reluctantly agreed but set boundaries that she agreed to:
1. My partner must be present (he’s a big guy & uneasy about HPT for our safety).
2. HPT never gets a house key (to prevent copies).
3. He’s barred from my spaces (my room/bathroom; I bought a simple lock since doors lack them).
4. 48-hour notice required (so I can be home—I don’t trust him near my cats or belongings).

She agreed, but they broke up again before he visited. When they broke up, he started dating a new girl within a week, which broke my roommate’s heart. Sally was suicidal & confided in me that he cheated on her due to the timeline of him getting together with this other girl from their small town where they were raised. Thankfully, Sally sought professional help with a therapist & is still attending sessions to this day. She also mentioned the reason why she didn’t invite him over previously was because she felt that the moment he came into our safe space & healing home, it would no longer be a healing or safe environment & that his presence would taint the energy of our place. I thanked her for not having him over & praised her for recognizing what his presence would signify or do to our living space.

Weeks later, I found out I was pregnant (due around our lease’s end). Sally agreed to let my partner move in August when his lease ends, but soon after, she reunited with HPT. Sally dropped the news as I was leaving, saying she was “afraid” to tell me. When we sat down to speak, I started by asking her why she was afraid to tell me, as that made me feel like maybe I’d done something that felt reactive on her end or that I’d scared her. She stated that I’ve never been reactive but rather give off a very serious presence & can come off as intellectually intimidating during serious conversations, as if “I’m staring through her soul.” Granted—she’s not the first to tell me this, & I do my best to come from a place of kindness & understanding in hard conversations, so this made sense to me. I then asked her (& also told her she didn’t need to respond if she didn’t want to), “What is it about HPT that she keeps going back to or can’t find within another human?” Her response was, “I don’t know.” I told her that I hoped she really took time to reflect & figure that out, as I personally think it’s an important answer for herself. I then brought up the following:

1. This person sexually assaulted her, & I don’t understand why she would want to continue being with someone who would use her in that way. That it makes me sad because I don’t want to see her hurt, & I don’t trust this person not to hurt her or myself in this home.
   
2. He cheated on her, & she herself told me she could NEVER be with a cheater.
   
3. Her claims about his presence tainting our space & not understanding why or what has changed.
   

She started off by saying she felt like she had to defend herself, in which I told her she shouldn’t have to. She completely ignored the first claim & stated that she discovered he didn’t actually cheat—he just rebounded. I explained that I still don’t think this is dismissible behavior, in which she deflected & said that she’s done similar things in the past, therefore she’s okay with what he’s done. As far as the third claim, she stated that she was projecting her own issues onto him, therefore making HPT the issue & that it actually wasn’t about him. She then told me that, in a way, it feels unfair to her that my partner & I need to be present every single time HPT is over because she feels like she’s being babysat & can’t have her own home & space to herself. She also attempted to reassure me that HPT would never do anything to me, my things, or my animals. She stated that he doesn’t even want to be around me & I wouldn’t have to worry about him. In the end, I told her I’d be willing to find a middle ground but am unsure what this would look like, as there’s no way to lock my door from the outside. She said that she spoke with other friends who think I’m crazy for feeling this way & being so concerned.

The next day, she asked to have another conversation, in which she stated the following (a copy-paste of her text message regarding the first point I brought up about the SA):

“I know you’re coming from a place of concern, and I appreciate that you care about me. But I want it to be clear; I wasn’t sexually assaulted. When I first told you what happened, you labeled it that way, and at the time, I went along with it. However, that was the same day, and I hadn’t actually had a conversation about it, and I honestly didn’t think to tell you. But after actually talking with the person involved, I realized that’s not what happened. As uncomfortable as this topic is, wet dreams are real, and that’s what happened that morning. I know because I was able to recognize that in his behaviors that morning. However, it made me uncomfortable, so I spoke about it, but again, this is not sexual assault, as it wasn’t intentional. I just happened to be getting ready to see you afterward and hadn’t processed it yet. I’m sorry I didn’t bring this up sooner. I felt like your mind was already made up, and I don’t have the energy to defend or keep explaining something I know to be true. I need you to respect my understanding of my own experiences.”

Here is a copy-paste of my text response:

“I can understand why you’re not viewing that as sexual assault. You don’t need to defend yourself in that, & I’m not going to sit & try & argue my own thoughts or opinions because it’s not my place to label what YOUR experience is now & should be considered irrelevant to you.

When we initially spoke about it, you said that you would call what happened sexual assault for anyone else than yourself—& that stuck out to me. Which is why I continued to hold that label.

I appreciate you communicating further to me about this, & it won’t be brought up again as sexual assault on my end.

With that said, I do not appreciate you assuming that ‘I’ve made up my mind.’ That isn’t fair to place that assumption on me—especially because I’m not the one who had the experience. At the time, what was described, explained, & expressed was sexual assault, & you admittedly agreed, even now. So now that you’ve communicated & clarified what that was for you, it can be moved on from, as I want to respect your understanding of the experience.

I hope this clears things up between us.”

Where I stand with this is trying to meet her where she’s at. But at the same time, I don’t believe talking to your sexual abuser about being sexually abused is a good idea. It’s still my view that she was SA’d, but now I’m in a position where I have no arguments against HPT because that’s not what she believes &/or she’s dismissed all of her past complaints by deflecting or dismissing his action(s). My partner & I are at a loss for what to do, tomorrow is the first time HTP will be coming over. I want to go out of my way to make him uncomfortable in my home so he doesn’t want to come back. But I also don’t want to be on bad terms with Sally—therefore, threatening whether my partner is or isn’t able to move in in August. I’ll need his physical support preparing for the baby at that time, & it would completely inconvenience his living situation if he was unable to move in. Ending our lease or terminating early isn’t a realistic option either. AITAH?