I(17F) grew up in an abusive household. My dad and mom both hates me. My dad hates my mom so he wanted to divorce her but she was already pregnant with me and that's why my dad beat my mom badly to abort me like kicking her in the stomach and more. His whole family didn't like mom too so they pressured mom to abort me too but my mom chose to keep me to save her marriage and as it's a sin in our religion. My dad doesn't pay for my studies and refuses to pay for basic needs or spend any extra money on me except three meals a day and the rent until mom forces him to do so which was only recently. He refuses to buy me the necessary medicine or take me to the hospital no matter how sick I get and when he's forced to buy medicine at last without even visiting any doctor but just based on what the pharmacist suggests and he'd blame me that It's my fault for getting sick and wasting his money on my medicine. He has been abusive to both mom and me since I could remember. He'd beat mom and me randomly at nights then throw us out of the house at midnight without anything then not let us come back home for a few days then break everything on the house whenever he's mad. Once he beat me till I lost consciousness totally. He only cares about his mom and siblings even spending money on them and their kids, letting them borrow money too while he keeps saying he has no money to mom and me.

My mom doesn't leave dad despite everything because this is her second marriage and the place I live in doesn't usually accept divorced women well until recently. She doesn't want to be divorced twice which is why she doesn't leave. Honestly she doesn't care about her kids but only herself. She has a daughter from her first marriage. Knowing her first husband is not fit to be a good father, she left my half sister to his care. She has always been abusive too. She used to hit me whenever she was frustrated with dad or her works even choking me sometimes, telling me to kill myself or hang myself and free her. She stingey too, she doesn't mostly pay for any medicine or anything related to my health too. She doesn't even listen to me but always say I'm just lying even though that's not what the doctor said. But when she feels sick, she can visit a doctor. She's very verbally abusive too. She says these nasty disgusting curses to me always. If I defend dad or anyone else when it's mom's fault, she'd say nasty things like if I fucked him and more things I'd rather not say. She tries to control everything including even the length of my hair to what my main subjects would be in studies and whom I should be friends with too.

Recently she has been trying to marry me off to any older guy with a job or somewhat well off. She has seen 3 guys till now even though I clearly told her I don't want to get married but study. She refuses to listen to me. My friends tried to convince her but she keeps saying I have no right to say no and it'll be fine once I'm married anyways. She didn't even discuss anything with me but tried to plan everything on her own.

Honestly I have trauma with men since I've been molested quite some times with most of them being my family members. Like 3 of them happened when I was 8-9. One of them being my cousin another two my uncles. Then one when I was probably 10 in a bus. Then at 13, it was a classmate then 4 of my cousins and 3 of them in buses. And there's quite some more. Now I feel easily scared with slight contact of any guys. I even throw up and have breathing problem and tear up even if they don't have that intentions but I just can't help but be scared. I constantly have nightmares too about this issue which makes it hard to move on. But I can't tell my parents about these too. With how they are, they'll surely blame me for everything and not even let me go out taking my freedom away. And my mom will go around telling everyone, she'll definitely blame me though since she has already done this several times. Even if it's someone else's fault, she'll blame me and go around telling everyone about it which makes me the bad person and her the good person. I used to study a lot of hours but I'm not really that good at it so the results stay average and she'd always blame me for never putting in more efforts and get more better results to give her a comforting life in her old age. Sometimes I'd stay up all night studying or wake up at dawn and study till even 11 at night with short breaks in the middle. But it's never enough for her since my grades never improve anyways. My efforts has never mattered to any of them.

I've a bad experience with bullying too since I was 13-14. Since I couldn't say anything at home it gave everyone in my class back then the courage to say whatever they want. Making comments about my appearance, hair, body and everything. And one of the classmate kissed me forcefully then spread that I was the one to kiss him which made the bullying worse. So I've always been too insecure even my irl friends backstabbed me this year. But I had never been one to share any of these with anyone irl so I'm very confused about what to do.

Because of all these things. I've been suicidal since I was 13. I've already made quite some attempts too but for 2 years I stopped but then I'm starting to have thoughts again with everything being too overwhelming. I just want to get away from my family at this point but since I'm 17, I've no source to earn for myself and the law for children in our country won't do much if my parents were to give them money to stay on their side. There's just so much more to say but It might just be never ending.

So am I the asshole for talking back to them and wanting to get away from them even though I have no idea how I can?