EDIT: After we talked yesterday, he said HE wanted to take a step back and STOP the relationship. I AGREED, AS WELL. I didn’t beg him. I thought about it over the weekend like him, TOO.

Me and my bf were together for 4 months. At first, things felt loving and fun, but the red flags started piling up. I noticed after the 1st/2nd month. I put up with it because I just wanted to make it work even though I expressed my frustration about them and he would get defensive or dismissive. Now, I’ve built the self respect to not cling on.

He broke up with me over text last Friday, so I called him, and we had a respectful convo where I tried to understand where he was coming from. I did call out the things I couldn’t hold in anymore.. I told him I might be willing to meet halfway. He asked for a few days to think. We agreed to talk again Monday.

Some context: I’ve been in an outpatient mental health program the past 2 weeks to work on my BPD. It’s changed my life already. I started this journey to be better for myself, my relationship with him, and my family. He supported me at first, told me he’d miss me and admired that I was doing the work. But once I started the program (after a 72hr phone detox), I noticed the shift. Less engagement. Distant energy. I started seeing his behavior more clearly. He then stopped telling me he loves me, misses me. And just said that “I hope you’re doing good”. It was excruciating because due to my BPD, I knew I had to focus on myself here and I noticed I started to shift my focus to him and his avoidant behaviour. I spiraled into an episode.

He smokes weed every single day, plays video games for hours, and isn’t sober even once when I’m around. I used to smoke too, but I quit in February. It started to weigh on me. I even had a Then I remembered some of the shady things he said — like the time he played porn loudly to “mess with” his neighbors by making them think he was having sex. I also remembered how he told me to “grow a pair” when I asked him not to talk about how pretty his coworkers were, and how he followed women who post sexual content.

His avoidant behavior also became clearer: disappearing for 12-24 hours without a heads up, then texting like nothing happened. I calmly told him I just needed better communication — like a “hey I’ll be busy” — and reminded him he promised to read the BPD resources I sent him. He responded by sending me a voice message breaking up with me saying, “Hey love. There’s no easy way to say this.. and I’m sorry you feel like I’m emotionally neglecting you. It’s not intentional. But I don’t want to be bothered. I can’t give you the attention you deserve.”

I called him right after. He was self-aware and respectful, even thanking me in a calm tone the whole conversation about how I’m “appreciated”, but I think he was checked out. I told him I was still open to talking, maybe meeting halfway. He agreed to talk Monday. But over the weekend, I realized I didn’t even want to meet halfway — I’d be disrespecting myself.

So Monday comes. We talk again, and this time I calmly but assertively laid everything out. He said he wanted to talk first and explain how he finally looked at the BPD resources I sent a WEEK before we broke up and I told him it’s too late in a firm tone. I was telling him “I’ve put up with (examples above) this enough. I will NOT tolerate this disrespect and these behaviours you carry in this relationship is truly what made it come to an end.You can be too busy for me, but you need to figure out who you are without weed and porn, especially in a relationship.” The total call was 23ish minutes and I was the one talking after he did. I told him how his choices — the porn, the smoking, the emotional dismissiveness — made me feel disrespected. He did say when we started the call that he knew he didn’t love me the right way, how he disrespected me, and how he noticed he had commitment issues 4 months in. He explains how it’s hard because he hasn’t seen his family in 3 years due to him being in a different state and how he’s mentally unstable etc. I also acknowledged the kind parts of him, but the call was mainly about the harm that had been done by him while acknowledging how I had a few mistakes, but were very minimal. He listened. He told me he appreciated everything I said and it’s all “appreciation, so, thank you”. Then he said with a big sigh and sunken tone, “That’s all I have to say. Goodbye, my name Goodbye.” And he hung up. Knowing he said he would let me say what I needed to say after I was done saying what I said.

I didn’t even get to finish. I had one last thing to say, which was just asking for my stuff back.

I tried calling again — goes straight to voicemail. I’m not blocked; texts and FaceTime still go through. But he’s ghosted ever since. I’m confused. Hurt. And now I don’t even know how to get my things back without my mom having to text a grown man. I know the best decision is probably to leave it but ?????

Why did he hang up like that after finally listening? Was it guilt? Shame? Avoidance? And what’s the best way to handle getting my stuff back when he’s clearly ducking?