For context: We're been together for almost 7 months now. We're in Grade 11 and we're gonnna be college students in about a year now (before you ask, she's supposed to be in her 2nd year of college currently but was held back due to personal problems i would not disclose). And yes, we're from The Philippines.

We're nearing college and I've been conflicted about some stuff. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything yet in life and I feel like a heavy burden on my parents. I know I have potential, almost every teacher I came across in my academic journey have talked to my parents about it. They would always go on about how intelligent I am whether it be emotionally or academically. Their problem with me is that they think I'm not living up to my potential. They said that I'm always prone to being distracted easily by the people around me like my friends, and I barely ever put in any effort because I'm very lazy. I would always be in the top 10 of our class without even trying. I only got my grades from recitation and exams. I barely did any written work of such. Even in junior high school, my teachers have commented on my intellect but severe laziness. I knew all about this but I never cared because I always passed nonetheless. And then I reached senior high school.

This school year humbled me so bad. I went from getting 90% to 98% without even trying to barely even getting 90% now. My grades are barely making it now. This has been taking a huge toll on me. I feel so bad about myself. I've been really angry about myself because of my laziness and for being undisciplined. I'm doing so bad at the most important stage in my life before I reach adulthood. I know that if I keep this up, I'll never achieve anything in life. I'll never be useful in our society. So I decided to do something about it. These past few months, I've been trying to be disciplined. I made planners, I studied, I've been doing my best to stay on track, but I always went back to my old habits. I felt even worse. I felt as if no matter what I do, I'll never achieve anything in life. I cut my wrist, I drank alcohol, I even smoked a cigarette from all the guilt and hopelessness I felt (keep in mind, I never liked alcohol, It has been 4 years since the last time I've cut myself, and I NEVER smoked a cigarette in my life up to that point so it was a new level of low). But for the past few days, I've been feeling really motivated and determined to do better. I've been staying consistent to my routine, doing better in school, studying often, and was getting more disciplined as days passed. I even applied for an entrance test to the most prestigious university in my country.

I was able to achieve this because I cut off all of my best friends. I figured they were a distraction so I made that decision, and it did help me. Though, I miss them. And now, I think i want to break up with my girlfriend as well. I'm not doing this because I think she's a distraction. She's a wonderful girl, she is a very sweet person and I love her very much. She would not hesitate to help me if I asked her. She was always there for me when I was at my best and when I was at my lowest. But I'm scared for the future of our relationship. I love her very much but I need to focus on myself. I can't balance my relationship and my personal life and I believe this is the main reason I'm this way in the first place. I don't want her to be with someone that can't even spend time with her anymore. I don't want her to be with someone that will most definitely neglect her. I love her and I want what's best for her. I did do my best to become that "best" person for her but I can't do it without sacrificing my studies or my personal life. I'm really pressured because I'm the only child of my parents and it is up to me to take care of them when i grow up. I know I shouldn't feel like it's my responsibility but they are both the best parents in the world. They never even want me to find out that we're struggling financially. They gave me everything they can give me and made me the happiest they can. I want to return that favor to them by being successful and taking care of them despite being the only child they have.

I'm sorry if this post is too long and poorly structured. My mind is barely functioning at the moment. I don't even know if im posting in the right sub. Please be kind.