I (20F) broke up with “John”, my bf of a year (22M) about a month ago. When we got together I didn’t have any sexual experience and was a virgin. I lost my virginity to John about three months into the relationship, and the sex has been good. He is attentive and kind, and I really care about him. He’s been a great boyfriend and I don’t regret my relationship with him, but there are things I want to explore in bed that he is not comfortable with.

Basically, I’m curious about some pretty heavy kinks. I’ve always been a bit of a masochist and enjoyed full contact sports and whatnot as an outlet, but after becoming sexually active I realized I really want to try embracing my masochism in that context. I really want to be hurt and controlled in bed. I want to try bondage, and impact play, and choking (done properly of course), and I’m also really interested in psychological masochism too. Like, degrading dirty talk.

John was absolutely not interested. He said he respects me and would never hurt me, and I didn’t want to pressure him into doing anything he’s uncomfortable with. I really, really want to try these things, and I know I can’t go my whole life without even trying it. So I broke up with John.

A couple weeks ago I started casually seeing “Zach”, someone who goes to our college as a grad student (26M). He has experience with kink and has been teaching me how to engage in these kinks without actually being injured or harmed. I am definitely enjoying it. We are not dating or romantically together and frankly, I’m still sad about my breakup with John even though I’m the one who did the breaking up. I’m not ready to try another committed, romantic relationship while I still have feelings for my ex, so I’m sticking with just casual sex for now. I feel comfortable with my decision because I have definitely enjoyed exploring pain and submission with Zach.

Well, John caught wind and he’s been telling our friend group that I broke up with him because he was nice to me and I wanted someone who didn’t care about me and who would hurt me. He’s been saying I’m shallow and only seeing Zach because he’s hot. And I mean… yeah? It’s casual sex and I’m exploring bdsm. It makes sense my main criteria are physical attraction and experience with responsible kink. Zach isn’t a bad guy just because he likes to hurt me in bed. And I don’t think that breaking up with John over sexual compatibility can really be boiled down to him being too nice or caring too much.

A couple of girls in my friend group agree with me, and one of them was in a group chat where the guys and the other girls were sending some really unkind things about me being a slut and just talking about it like John is some martyr victim. They sent me screenshots and it made me feel like shit, and then on Saturday the group went out without inviting me. I’m not sure if I deserve it or not now everyone has turned on me.

So, AITAH?