This could just be a case of ESH, but I (35f) have known this guy for a few years now (35m) and things are just getting weird. (It’s kind of a long explanation, but I’ll try to be brief)

{TL:DR~ guy acts interested, wants to get together, I hesitantly agree, he treats me like an afterthought, I call him out and his ego gets bruised. He tells me to stop making him feel bad for his actions and that I’m self centered bc I did that, can I ghost him?}

In the beginning there was a lot of flirtation, on both sides, we talked seriously (briefly) about the possibility of becoming more but he wanted kids and I don’t, and I also live several hours away. The kids thing is a dealbreaker for me. So we settled on being friends. It was pretty good, lots of laughs, memes, texts, some facetimes, a few periods of life-induced silence. The typical ebb and flow of an interstate friendship. A lot of leaning on each other during times of family difficulties, general stress, the feeling of missing out on lifetime milestones, etc. A lot of shared pet pics 😂.

This past autumn we had a period of silence that lasted through the holidays. I think he was dating someone, I know he was at least talking to someone bc she will be his date to a wedding in a few weeks’ time, but about mid-way through March he reached out and started chatting with me again. He broached the subject about a long distance relationship, again, said he still felt the same way as before, and that he’s okay to move on past the kids thing because he just wants to be happy and that I’ve always made him feel happy and content and like he couldn’t not know me in life. I reiterated not wanting to be in a relationship where I would end up being the source of resentment (because let’s be honest, there’s no actual compromise in the kids/no kids debate) and he reassured me that that would not happen. Something has been whispering in the back of my head to not give in fully to this idea of being together though, and my gut was right.

Since agreeing to explore a deeper relationship, I have noticed a definite change in his communication. Like he’s taken for granted that he has me so he doesn’t need to continue treating me the same way. As mentioned, I don’t live close, so I rely on the back and forth we have to keep each other updated about what’s happening day-to-day, just general stuff that makes up a conversation. So I pointed it out a few weeks ago that it would be nice to continue getting little chit chat updates about what going on. I mean we’re talking hours long convos throughout the day to a day and a half’s silence with a quickness. He said he would do better. Great. Except nothing changed, he was still just as silent. I mentioned it a second time and tried to bridge a convo about seeing each other over break. He then told me that he wasn’t going to put more effort into messaging me because he felt that he was already doing enough. We didn’t see each other for the break because he didn’t have any time to take, but then also drove a handful of hours away to hang out with a friend “last minute” and didn’t mention it at all until the night before bc he wasn’t sure he was feeling well enough to go (apparently it was planned for him to stay overnight as well bc he got an Airbnb, which ultimately was the decision maker that he would go). So I realized that if I’m asking for something I know he’s capable of providing and he’s just choosing not to do it, and I’m already pouring from a mostly empty cup, I’m not wringing myself dry just for his comfort. So I pulled back on trying to foster communication, I responded cordially with the same manner of speech he gives to me. I matched energy. He didn’t like it. He asked me what was wrong, I said nothing, I’m just giving what I’m getting, that I can’t keep up the entertainment act and it sucks having one-sided convos. He then told me that his life is boring, that he has nothing going on, and he’s “actively trying not to elaborate” (apparently he failed to see the oxymoron in that, he also was working overtime during the break but I wasn’t sure what hours he was working because he never mentioned it) and that I already know his schedule. I told him I only knew his schedule if he was under the impression I could tell through osmosis and that he’s trying to make me the bad guy for holding true to expecting someone that claims they want to be with me to at least demonstrate it. I reiterated nothing was wrong I was simply treating him the way he was treating me. He apologized the next day and said he would do better, I explained to him why I was feeling frustrated and why I felt it was so important to continue talking to each other about our days and mundane stuff because we aren’t in the same space sharing the same daily events. His response was to tell me he “feels like he’s done a lot of apologizing to everyone (sic else) over the last few years and that he’s tired, which has nothing to do with me, but that’s where his head is at when something happens with someone he cares about…that he’s a completely transparent person…but he just doesn’t understand the expectation, if he had things his way we would spend every day together” and then he brought up a conversation we had more than 2 years ago that made me upset enough with something he said that I hung up on him (I do not remember this conversation ,this is important) and that “if this is a bad idea he wants to spare us both”. I pointed out that if he’s still upset about something I can neither dispute or affirm what happened, yet he’s holding it against me and brings up to throw in my face whenever he gets upset, maybe that’s a good indication (of how things should go). He did not like that. He also said he only brings it up when he does because it’s always on his mind. And he’s just really hurt by it.

So I point out that he’s had plenty of time to bring it up before, so waiting until a time when I don’t remember what happened to use it as something to hold over my head is not okay, but that I can’t do anything about it if I don’t know what I’m supposed to be “fixing”. And yelling at me about it won’t solve anything either, especially when it only gets brought up at certain times. That I am trying to talk to him about stuff that needs to get figured out to move forward. He responds to that with saying he just doesn’t want another person in his life to be disappointed with him. I tell him he’s frustrating occasionally, but talking about things we need to talk about doesn’t make me disappointed.

But wait! There’s more, dear reader, there’s more 🙃🙃. This man. I don’t hear from him for two days after that, and then he calls me. He calls me to rehash that whoooole conversation. In it I learn that not only did I have some kind of reason to hang up on him during that hurtful phone call he’s been upset about for years, but also that me asking for better communication from him in the way I should expect as a healthy functioning couple would, but that he’s willing to do anything I ask of him (except that apparently), and then he tried to egg me on into getting a rise out of me by saying repeatedly that he’s pissed me off, even though I was not pissed off. I was just, dejected by this whole debate. And then continued on that his communication with everyone else in his life over the years has improved (I should give him kudos for that, apparently, because he started therapy like a year ago even though he doesn’t like his female therapist), so I “should stop making everything about me and acting like the world revolves around us”. I promptly told him I felt the conversation was over at that point, and he agreed and hung up.

It’s been four days’ radio silence. I texted him a bit ago (bc I think he was expecting me to apologize so he didn’t have to) to say that I was completely blown away by what he said to me and have nothing more to say beyond that. He said “the feeling’s mutual”.

Sounds good dude, sounds good 👍🏼. So, wibtah if I just blocked and ghosted him? (Also, thank you sm for reading the whole thing 😭😭😅)