Me (32f) have been with my bf (38m) for nearly 7 yrs and we’ve lived together for almost as long.

So a bit of background I moved in to his place to start, then we moved to a new place which better accommodated our needs, however I despised being there, and we were only meant to be there temporarily (like 1 yr) so we didn’t do much decorating. We ended up being there for almost 2.5 yrs, before moving to our current place.

I’ve managed to do more decorating but still limited - and it has been increasingly affecting me to not feel like I had a place to make mine/a functioning home for so many years now. For the past 2 years we’ve have severe issues and we’ve been going to therapy, which has helped a lot, but we’re far from out of the woods still. Part of the outcome of therapy has been the decision to get separate places - giving us the chance to build our homes to our individual needs. We cancelled our lease before having something to move into because of the way the market is here - and we really didn’t want to risk having double/triple rent for several months. We agreed that if one had a place, while the other didn’t within the deadline, we’d stay together in the new place while the other found a place. I have a place, he doesn’t. So he’s coming to live with me until he gets a place (and he has been looking and is very stressed about it!)

For me, I just don’t want to postpone setting up my own rutines, finding my rythm and establishing myself in MY place. I also want him to feel at home and welcome, but I worry it would just keep us in our current dynamic and I would yet again abandon my needs to accommodate him. A also fear that we wouldn’t get better, as it just postpones the healing and chance for progress. Where we are now is sort of purgatory - not working on things actively, trying to avoid heavy conflicts and I feel he has completely shut down. When I do manage to get him to open up, it has a positive effect and I can see him get less tense in the following week(s). But, it’s temporary. And it is absolutely not sustainable to be in a “wait it out” stage. When we get into a disagreement it follows a common theme - in his view: I am trying to avoid accountability, I am manipulating and gaslighting him, as he sees (and says) it. In my view: I am trying to share feelings, clear up where we misunderstood/what went wrong and he gets defensive/passive aggressive and treats me like an opponent, not a partner, and I just have to accept the accusations over and over and jump through hoops to get him to hear what I’m ACTUALLY saying, not what he perceives it as.

I kind of want to say “this is how it’s going to be at MY place - this is what you can expect from me and this is what I expect you to contribute”.. but I realise it doesn’t exactly put us on equal footing in our relationship.

So, AITAH if I lay it out like that? Is there another way that I’m not seeing?