A long story that I'll try to condense as best I can. I met my wife (R) about 5 years ago (we're both female). She was always close with her mother and sister. Neither are married but both had partners then that they are still with now. At the start of the relationship despite the fact her sister was fairly hostile/frosty I tried my best with her. R's mother initially was also fairly cold to me but eventually we developed a pretty good relationship and she would stay over at my flat (while R was there), come to events with us and she met lots of my friends. Both her mother and sister have had turbulence in their relationships and often her mother would stay at our place after a fight with her partner. Her sister would largely keep it to herself, but would be off and on with her fella. After a year or so, we had a pretty good relationship as a family unit, would go on holidays together, hang out, do family meals etc and partners would come.

Rs sister (we'll call her S) had a baby 2 years ago and after that, she and her mother (we'll call her B) got closer. Historically, they had not gotten on too well and R had been a peacemaker between them. Around this time, I proposed to R. Prior to proposing I asked their permission to marry R and they both seemed on board and happy about this.

We had an engagement party and my family attended. After this, R's family started making comments about mine, negatively. R's sisters partner came to this party despite the fact S had gone into labour (not planned to clash!). We tried to convince him to go home but B and her partner got him to drink. He ended up hammered. This ended up coming out at the next family event we had, some months later. S kicked off with me, demanding to know if her partner had been at the do. B ended up shouting at her that he had. I felt really uncomfortable about it all. This I think was the last time we all really got together for a day. After this when we did hang out, S would make comments about me 'having it easy', because I have a good job. I'm from a working class background, but I worked any job I could for 10 years and eventually got into my current white collar job, where I make a good salary. My wife also got a new job and started making good money and B (who is in the same company but different role) started to put her down and make comments about how R would hate the new job and it isn't 'proper work'.

R and I were then planning the wedding. Neither offered to help with wedding stuff. S had a hissy about her bridesmaid dress and told us she just wouldn't be a bridesmaid. In the end my sister (also a bridesmaid) agreed to wear a different colour to the bridesmaids so that S would feel more comfortable.

R ended up falling out with S, and this went on for 5 months. All of this happened after I booked a nail appointment for the two of them and offered to watch our nephew. S cancelled the appointment and refused to attend, because R left S's house after visiting our nephew the day before, after about an hour – S expected she would stay longer but didn’t tell R until after she left.  

B refused to get involved to solve the disagreement, and told R "I'm not ever going to get involved now, you're both adults, you have to sort this". When I begged B to get involved she told me "I have a good relationship with them both, why should I damage that by getting involved? I've had years of it, they can sort it"

Eventually, they did make up, but things were still a bit tense. Then we got married.

As an aside - I should say, we eloped and then had a larger party/ceremony afterward. In fairness, this has never been held against us. We did so for a multitude of reasons, mostly cost but also because we wanted to make sure the day was really about us.

At the 2^nd wedding R's family kept to themselves, complained before after and during about my family, our friends, the wedding itself and our behaviour. It seemed like they wanted us to give them red carpet treatment when really, it was a day about us? B went as far to tell R that she had a really stressful day the day of our ceremony and both she and S left "feeling dismayed and disheartened". This really hurt both of us, as we worked our socks off to put a good do on and really the second ceremony was to show respect to our families and make sure they saw us making our vows. I also wrote handwritten letters to both S and B telling them my intentions for R, that I would be there for them also, welcoming them into my family/thanking them for letting me join theirs and expressing excitement for the future, making it clear they were welcome in our home any time and I would be there for them any time. During our first dance, I got B up to dance with us and tried to get S, although she told me "I don't dance to music like this".

B and S then decided to send us a message with all their complaints about the wedding, responding to a text I sent about R's operation a week after the wedding. I had sent a message to advise R was out of the procedure and doing ok, if a bit wobbly. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Somehow, after this, R made up with both B and S, after a long period of not speaking. We have spent time together with them, but things are not back to normal. I have really tried and swallowed my feelings to show up for my wife/smooth it over. Despite that, B and S have organised family holidays without us on more than one occasion now and hang out without us.

On mothers day, a meal was organised for B, S and nan. R asked if I wanted to go and contacted the restaurant to add a chair. TBH I did advise her to let S know. This resulted in a row and S sent messages that she was “in a healthy long term relationship” and her partner wasn’t attending, that the meal was just for family and that I should be ok for a couple of hours. R then told me about this, and I told her I wouldn’t go. B then contacted R telling her she could come alone or not at all, that it was just for family and that her partner wasn’t going. That upset R, as B seemed to be coming into the row, despite refusing to previously.

R attended the meal and took gifts for B and nan. Afterwards, B blocked us both on social media and our numbers.

R has now spoken to S to try and clear the air. In short, S reports that B thinks I am controlling, that R has changed and is stuck up, that everyone at the wedding was stuck up and that family should just be family so I am not welcome at any family events. She also told her that us being married is no big deal and we should stop talking about it.

I feel the need to confirm, I'm not controlling. I think my wife and I have a pretty healthy relationship, we check in regularly, spend time apart and together. The only 'evidence' presented by S was that B overheard an argument between me and R when they were hanging out drinking, because I'd arranged to pick R up and she was drunk and wanted to stay out drinking. I was irritated because I was ill and I'd already driven to the place so I immaturely hung up on her. Was it my finest hour? No, it was a dick move. But it's the only argument we've had in 5 years and we resolved it the next day. I also called her back and did pick her up to take her home (at her request). Also my wife's family haven't checked in with her to see if she's ok - this has just been hurled at her during the 'airing' which turned into a mini argument, with S.

AM I THE ASS HOLE? My family have embraced my wife and she is welcomed to all events. We've planned trips with them etc. They very much treat her as a family member. I get everyones different but I hoped I'd have that with my inlaws.

It seems like since we got engaged for some reason my wife's family have an issue with us and now specifically me. I've spoken to a friend and his working theory is that they are jealous of us, but I feel icky even thinking that. I can't see how I can move forward with them, although I'm encouraging my wife to try and resolve the conflict. I also feel weird about telling my wife how absolutely gutted I am about all of this, because I don't want her to be more upset than she is. I've been crying over it all because I flipping hate drama. Have I missed something here? Am I actually the asshole?