I don't really view myself as an asshole for this but I do need an outside perspective of how I can improve or maybe u all might think that I am the aitah. I have been dating my bf for about a year and a half now atp. I think it's important to know he's my first everything. I was kind of a tomboy growing up and thought the idea of even holding hands with a guy was disgusting. So l'd never even held a boys hand before so yh when I say first everything I mean everything.

We are ig u could say a long distance couple. Another key note is my lack of trust doesn't stem from insecurity at all. Also I'm his first everything too except kiss but that normal ofc. Our relationship isn't toxic at all. In our whole year and a half relationship we've only rlly had one argument. But the argument was never resolved as it was just one of those.

But we genuinely are a healthy couple. Us not dating around saved us from a lot of toxic stuff we would have picked up and brought into the relationship. I don't rily wanna get into looks as it doesn't rily matter but we are pretty attractive people so it's kinda put an unwanted light on us and I don't mean this in a shallow way at all just trying to give as much background in for before the issue.

The issue however is I love my bf wholeheartedly and ik it's kinda crazy to say cuz l'm only 18 but I really do. Issue is I don't fully trust him or I can't bring myself to fully trust him. Probably because lk how boys get and we're so young and lk if he ever was unfaithful it would genuinely break and change the way I view any other relationship is ever enter. I have a massive fear of being clowned. If u don't know what that means it means taken for a fool and embarrassed whilst I'm all for that person. So i knowingly or unknowingly will do stuff to protect myself which ofc leads to skills ifs as he gets upset about me still doubting him.

Nothing big has lead to this happening but some examples of stuff that upset me were me voicing my feelings and him not listening to them unless validated by a friend of his. I've never had a problem with him going through my phone if he wants to but if I wanna go through his phone I can see everything except him Snapchat. His reasoning was for privacy with his friends and he wants to respect that privacy. As some stuff is confidential but why is it when it's my phone that doesn't matter???.

Another thing is affection. Some weeks he's very loving then next he's just dry and not even checked into our conversation and I feel like I'm forcing it. Him refusing well let me say he used to refuse to block or not respond to certain females we both knew were interested in him. But for him he'd get defensive and tell me to block them immediately. Ik we're young and not getting married anytime soon but we had a discussion where I said I'm not a 50/50 kind of person and wasn't raised that way but however if we're to get married l'd want my name on the house too and if he had a problem with it I would have no issue paying half in that case.

But he was angry at this and didn't want that. He struggles with comprehension and understanding another person poy but I get it as in his first ever gf so it takes alot of learning I'm aware men can be a bit delayed. Another thing was commence on dark skinned women. I myself am not dark skinned but I have fried a who are. And him saying light skinned women are most attractive knowing I'm not light skinned.A lot of these issues are stuff we've gotten past but all this has tainted my trust I guess.

I just hate the feeling of trusting someone u live but side eying internally if I'm being played. Especially since my name and image mean alot to me. Not in a toxic way I just don't want to be viewed that way. I just need help in knowing how I can let go of that feeling as I feel it wkkk drive me crazy. Is there some type of discussion I need to have with him anything at all or anything I'm missing. This is my first actual relationship after all so idk how all this works.

Other things that just came to mind were him rambling about ice spice and her looks to me then me asking is the only reason he cared about her cuz of her looks and he said yes. But since she's lost all the weight she's lost him too. I caught him liking pictures of ice spice as well before and she was practically naked or shaking her ass. This was months ago tho like 4 months into dating.

We've since moved past this but it still lingers in my mind. I used to have his email and a notification of a back up instagram came up searched it up. And yh it was his username with a different number linked to that email. We used to have each other's passwords he had all mine I had all his except his Snapchat ofc I still rn can never see it. Beginning of our relationship he used to speak about his interest in skai Jackson also. None of this happens anymore but I think it's all collectively put a dent in my trust.

I just don't know how to move past this and this feeling. I rlly do love him besides all these examples. He's a wonderful bf but I feel like half of me is sane and the other half is going crazy with doubt. I don't have anyone else to ask as I'm a shy person and don't like talking about my relationship with people lk not even friends. As I also don't want a biased pov. So aitah for overthinking trust in a relationship?