Hello reddit, I am a 14 year old girl. I won't be too specific about the family details in case my parent sees this (they love reddit stories lol) I was born and currently living in a Muslim household. I never went to mosque as my single parent could not afford a car to take me to mosque. I got taught by a family member how to read arabic and got to starting to read Quran but my teacher got married and was focused on their pregnancy and education so my lessons stopped. My sibling attempts to teach me sometimes which is greatly appreciated, but I've always struggled with Quran. My chest would get heavy and I couldn't breath well. Keep that in mind.

Being Muslim was amazing, right? All muslims I knew loved being muslim and loving Allah (our god). But I was an anomaly, as I'd properly realise at 13. I found reading Quran to be a chore. Prayers? Another chore. I wasn't forced to read Quran or do prayers, but the unspoken pressure was there. Especially around other family members, they were FAR more religious than my sibling, my parent and me were. I didn't enjoy being a muslim. In Islam a woman must cover up to protect their beauty from staring men. I am not a hijabi and roll up my skirt at school. (I go to an all girls' school) I felt that I was never a good enough muslim. There are more factors as to why I am going further from Islam.

I realised that I was attracted to girls. Insane for a Muslim, right? LGBTQ+ is frowned upon, forbidden. But even though the Quran says to RESPECT other people's beliefs and choices, but all my family members act like they smelt rotten eggs when anything to do with LGBTQ+ is mentioned. I feel like I have to hide such a large part of myself from them, being bisexual. No one in my family knows apart from my sibling. You know what they said? "You can be bi, but don't act upon your feelings". That made me feel even more watered down and compressed. My family hate people who like people their own gender. If they knew, I'd be shamed. Even more so since my parent and sibling and me are more poor than the rest of the family, and I don't cover up.

Another factor was my passions. I've always loved music and singing ever since I was young. So when I wanted to be a singer and music producer (still do, am working towards my dreams) I didn't know what to do. Music was also forbidden in Islam. What the hell do I do? I feel even MORE watered down. I can't be myself at all, I'm a horrible demon that's forbidden and Allah hates me whatever I do. Were the thoughts rushing through my head.

But I was busy fighting these feelings. And something changed. It was around December 2024, January 2025, I was getting into more music artists (dont ask my list of fave artists, i listen to EVERYTHING, i mean EVERYTHING). I started to get into Conan Gray, I decided to listen to all his albums, start from debut to his latest, Found Heaven. I listened to Found Heaven's title track, Found Heaven. It was an amazing song (dw it's relevant) and I looked at the lyrics on Genius and almost cried. It was about being LGBTQ+ in a religious household and that it was ok to go against those beliefs. "Don't be scared, little child, you're no demon. There's a god in the sky, don't believe him. Don't be scared, little child, of that feeling, you're in love, you've found heaven." These lyrics absolutely flipped my perspective on EVERYTHING. I advise you look at the full song lyrics, it was almost like Conan wrote the song from MY perspective.

Then I thought: Maybe Allah does love me.

I was discussing my wants to go out with people (in Islam you must have courtship then marriage, no dating.) in class (non muslim) and one of my classmates said "You have free will, do whatever you want." Which also gave me the thought of "Oh. I CAN do what I want. My parent doesn't need to know that,"

And so, with all these factors, I made a decision. I was gonna go along with being muslim AT HOME, but at school I'd do whatever I wanted. Make music, write lyrics, roll up my skirt. I even vowed to have my first kiss this year (dunno with who, but it'll happen). I felt so much less watered down as I started living this double life. It's thrilling to think it's gonna help me achieve my dreams and I'm finally, FINALLY happy for the first time in years. Yk what? Allah DOES love me. Even if I break half the rules in Islam, because he knows my situation and understands how compressed I feel. And when I'm 18, I plan to move out and then finally be free from having to hide who I really am.

The hard bit? Other muslims. If I tell another muslim abt this (which i have) they'd say "Oh no, come back to Islam, this stuff is so haram (forbidden)" But 1st of all, it's MY relationship with Allah and you should not dictate my belief. I'm just scared that my double life could slip to my parent, and they would go livid.

So, am I an a-hole for going against Islam in everyway possible? Am I bad for lying to my parent about loving Islam just to make them happy?

(thanks for listening, and please gimme advice, it'd help me out a lot.)