Buckle in, this is going to be a long one.

So my friend F 23 (let’s call her Maria) and my boyfriend M 29 (let’s call him Sam) have been friends for over 6 years. I came into the story just over 4 years ago (F 25), when I met Sam he was friends with Maria. Maria was in a relationship when we met, they have since broken up. When Maria was single, the 3 of us were hanging out most weekends and we allocated one day a week to go out for dinner together. Bored on a Sunday? Let’s call Maria and go to the beach.

My partner and Maria are very close, this is a relationship I am completely comfortable with. Sam is the love of my life and Maria is a very good friend of his. Her and I get along really well and hang out a lot too. I trust them both entirely and neither have ever given me a reason to be worried.

Fast forward to 4 years ago, Maria met her current partner M 24 (let’s call him Daniel). When Maria and Daniel met everything was okay, but over time after the first year or so Daniel started to become extremely controlling. Whenever we hung out, he would be messaging her, whenever we out drinking on the town, he was messaging her. And when I say messaging I mean expecting half hourly updates, demanding to know where she was and who she was with. So eventually Maria stopped going out drinking in town because Daniel made it such a shit experience with his constant messaging and accusing her of cheating. So to keep him happy, she stayed home instead of coming out with us. Also note, he never came out with us because he rather stay home and smoke copious amounts of weed all night. We did invite him multiple times and he always declined.

Eventually my partner Sam and I had a sit down chat with Maria and let her know that this behaviour is not normal. We could see in her personality and attitude that she was depressed and not herself. We began to pull away as friends because nothing changed.

After 2 years together she broke up with him. During this time Maria moved back home with her parents while working at the local grocery store.

We had so much fun with Maria while they were broken up, we went back to our lunch and dinner outings, drinking on the town, going to the beach ect.

Whilst they were broken up Daniel was often driving past her parents house (dead end street), leaving notes on her car at work, leaving presents on her car ect. Eventually Maria took Daniel back because he promised to not control her and that things would never be like they were before.

About a year down the track we noticed things slowly shifting back to how they were before. We go to the beach, take pictures and when Maria posts them Daniel would flip his lid saying she shouldn’t be showing off on Instagram ect. Slowly she stopped posting anything on Instagram, before Daniel she was always taking pictures and posting. The only things she was allowed to post were photos of him or them together.

Time goes on and things get increasingly worse, Daniel was slowly isolating her from her friends and family. Until he eventually told Maria that he is not comfortable with her friendship with Sam and that they are not allowed to hang out alone anymore, that someone else had to be there with them. This doesn’t work because I work shift work and often when I work long hours, Sam and Maria go for lunch and hang out. I can’t always be there to chaperone their hangouts.

Sam took this distance extremely hard. Their friendship predate my partner & I meeting and Maria & Daniel meeting. Maria was ‘allowed’ to still come over once a week for dinner as I was always there for these dinners. We started invited another male friend of ours and eventually Daniel cracked the shits about this because people were messaging him asking if they were still dating because ‘it looks like Maria and our friend were dating’ the two of them sitting opposite my partner and I. So we stopped inviting our male friend to join to avoid this issue.

She even admitted to us that Daniel openly told her, when they were broken up Maria had forgotten to turn off her location tracking. Therefore Daniel knew where she was at all times, including when she went to her booty calls house. And this man admitted that he drove to the booty calls house multiple times while she was there, sat out the front of his house and considered driving his Ute through the house.

Maria went overseas with her family, during this time Daniel was expecting updates constantly and to know her itinerary for the entire day everyday. When her snap location showed she wasn’t at the Airbnb he demanded to know where she was. And apparently there was 2hrs that she said she was at the Airbnb but snap location said she was up the road and this man was accusing her of lying and going to fuck someone because her snap said she was a few houses up the street.

Every single week when Maria comes over she has absolutely nothing good to say about Daniel. We have had multiple chats and interventions with her explaining this behaviour is not okay and extremely scary. But nothing changed.

Eventually Maria cheated on Daniel at work, she kept this a secret for months. She didn’t even tell Sam or I that this happened. But eventually, Daniel found out and when I say he flipped his shit, he absolutely flipped his shit. He made her quit her job, and all of a sudden she was at home 24/7 with no contact with her friends or family.

All the control ramped up massively because now he was using the cheating as an excuse to keep her home and isolated from friends and family.

Maria’s family has even been in contact with Sam begging him to help her see that this is an issue, and that the cheating was probably because she isn’t happy with Daniel anymore. Maria’s family have begged Maria to leave him, therefore Daniel HATES her family. Therefore won’t let her see her family anymore.

Her family is native to Europe, they are doing a family trip this year for 3 months to their country of origin to see their grandparents. Maria’s family has invited her to come, when she spoke to Daniel about this, he said if she goes he will break up with her.

Eventually Maria’s family bought Maria a ticket on the trip with them and didn’t give her a choice, they said the ticket is paid for and you’re coming. End of story. He will not stop her from seeing her family, that she probably won’t get a chance to see again before they pass

This was 2 months ago, she still hasn’t told Daniel and the trip is in just over a month.

All of this to say, Sam and I are absolutely exhausted mentally and emotionally from constantly hearing about the abuse she is copping from Daniel. She does NOTHING about it, she knows that she needs to leave. She has actively said that her family, friends and even psychologist had told her to leave him. But she thinks ‘he loves me so much and doesn’t want me to leave him, that’s why he wants me to stay home’ She has actively admitted that she is starting to resent him. But she still won’t leave him.

We are exhausted of trying to help her ‘see the light’, so reddit my question is; am I (we) the asshole/s for cutting off this friend?

It is affecting us mentally always hearing about it and worrying about Maria.

All I ever hear about abusive relationships is that you should support your friend but we are so mentally exhausted and over it.