I'm 23 f started dating a dude who confessed his feelings for me after 5-6 months but ended it in a span of 3 days because I started feeling anxious and overwhelmed with his expectations I thought but it wasn't just that I realised even holding hands and hugging brought back memories from a molestation incident which happened to me when I was 11 , and it always felt what will I do if he leaves me and that comes with death of my father who expired during Covid and after two days we received the news that he wasn't with us anymore and I really didn't get to say my goodbyes at all which always keeps me awake and yearning for him I still think he might just comeback someday and I never was in a relationship with anyone ever and I thought I should also get loved by someone and when I gave it a chance it recalled all of this combined and I pushed my bf away and had mental break downs for three days banged my knuckles on the wall to scare him away and he was so patient and understanding but I just can't seem to accept it still donyou think I am mad or something or does all of this makes sense pushing someone away because of the break downs I don't want to be someones reason for exhaustion cause I believe if you even date a a person like me it can emotionally drain you and I think even I good for. Awhile and go again like this cause I do have episodes of such instances I don't want this boy to get a heartbreak though I did it but if I date him for a long term and not be there mentally emotionally it's pointless he deserves the universe and I think I'm not even present in my life .I didn't realise that this would be the reason for not having any relationship so far with anyone.