Nine months ago I (32, F) moved in with my boyfriend (37, M) of two years. I moved into his apartment, where he lived with his previous partner for 5+ years. Needless to say, the apartment had a good deal of wear-and-tear, not to mention cluttered cabinets. We both agreed the apartment could use some sprucing.

Before the move, my BF and I agreed that we wanted to make the apartment feel more adult, less cluttered, and more cohesive. We talked about getting furniture that matches and storage solutions for when I arrive. (The apartment only has one closet.) I made efforts to try to make some of the adjustments BEFORE I moved in, but my boyfriend was always "too busy." since it was his apartment, I didn't press the issue. I assumed that once I moved in, he would make it more of a priority...

Now it has been nine months. When I first moved in, I did all of my unpacking by myself. I bought/built a desk with storage to hold all of my books and art supplies. I got storage bins to fit under our bed, a tall bookshelf to hold our stuff, and mounted wall shelves for knick-knacks. My bf has not contributed to any of those purchases/projects.

Right now, there is a 4-foot-tall pile of bins and junk that all belongs to my BF in our bedroom. I've been asking him to please buy a desk/storage to get his clutter under control for nine months. Every time I bring it up, it turns into a massive fight because he says it is "too overwhelming" and he has "too much on his plate." (He has a genuinely insane/very busy job, and I also work full time.) He says that he doesn't have time care about the apartment and that if I care so much, I should do it myself. I keep saying that I've already done a lot on my own, and that there's certain things I need his help with (like figuring out what to do with his pile of stuff and purchasing a desk that he feels comfortable sitting at because this would be his work desk).

We are at a standstill. I want him to contribute to household tasks, specifically I want him to handle his pile of stuff. He refuses to do this and he is insulted/frustrated that I keep asking. He says I am making a big deal out of nothing, but a clean home is very important to me. Plus, it hurts my feelings that he "doesn't care" about the apartment that we share.

When I said that I "deserve" to live in a clean home where I feel comfortable, he said that I'm acting "entitled." When I said that his refusal to take care of this (and other household chores) makes me feel like "he doesn't care about me," he told me that i'm being "manipulative". When I said that I want my partner to be my teammate, and his refusal to help me with this seemingly simple task makes me worry about our future, he said that I'm giving him an "ultimatum" and "threatening the relationship."

So basically, not only will he not fix his clutter, but if I express how that refusal makes me feel he gets mad at me and starts threatening to break up.

AM I THE ASSHOLE????