I've (50/m) been dating a woman (41/f) for 18 months. I'm crazy about her. She's a badass, and we connect on SO many things. Through and through, we've been really, really great together, both feeling clear that this is the best relationship either of us has experienced, and I come from a 16-year marriage and a 14-year relationship, both of which were great until they weren't.

We're in therapy because we want to improve the effectiveness and efficiency of our communication, most notably when things get heated. I won't delve into the details here, as they're not particularly relevant beyond noting that her past relationships, especially her primary, consistently left her feeling small, unheard, and unseen—very, very different from how she feels with me.

My biggest struggles in day-to-day communication are my interpretation of her being defensive and/or downright rude. Two examples from the last couple of hours that led to my asking for support:

1. We're remodeling a couple of homes. Now and then, she'll share a Facebook Marketplace item with me to show her support, which, of course, I appreciate. Here was our interaction today:

ME: I'm really picky about these, and don't give up on me with keeping an eye out. Here's what I look for:

Solid wood top to bottom

Never a multi-game

Regulation size

Good+ condition

HER: I’m not interested in looking through things or have the time. I can either stop sending you things or continue to.

ME: Cool. My intention was to be supportive of both of us. So whatever works for you is perfect for me.

1. She made fresh juice for both of us. When I came out of my office, I told her how delicious it was and that I appreciated it. While cleaning up, I noticed she used the blender and the juicer. I very nicely said, Oh, I see you used the blender as well. What was your approach to making the juice? Her response was, Is it a problem that I used the blender as well? To which I smiled and said, 'Nope. ' I wanted to understand your approach because you may know something I don't.

2. (Bonus from last night) There have been times during our relationship when I've said something to her that, by social norms, would warrant a response. ​For the sake of example, that could look like, "Man, I'm hungry." Where most people would respond with... Me too... ​or... I'm pretty full... or... Did you want to get something to eat... or... I don't know... ANYTHING!? I've brought this to her attention, and her response has been, "You didn't ask a question. I didn't realize you needed a response." Then, last night, she said something to me that I did not respond to. I don't remember what she said exactly, but she's like—hello? Do you care to respond? So, I jokingly said, 'Oh, I didn't realize that warranted a response, to which she wasn't pleased about, but received my joke and let it land.

These are just two simple examples that have taken place so far today. These sorts of interactions happen ALL the time. As a result, I find myself feeling shut down and unsafe in knowing what is and isn't okay to approach her about. I experience her attitude as being short, impatient, unapproachable, unpredictable, and unkind.

I may be taking it personally, as I don't approach people in this way. The story I make up is that I would be better walking around the house as a mute, and that isn't going to happen. Since we both work from home, I understand that I might interrupt her when she's in the midst of a thought or something else, but that happens the other way around as well. I am always patient with her.

1. What am I not seeing?
2. How can I approach this with love and respect?
3. How can I respond (or not) in the moment, while lovingly sending the message doesn't work?

I'm clear that I cannot force or expect her to change and that I am responsible for my thoughts and interpretations—and in the moment, when these things happen, I begin to question the relationship and/or if she loves me as much as she says and demonstrates... which is also a story I'm making up because I'm clear that she does love me. I can't help but wonder if she struggles to regulate her emotions when feeling irritable.

I'm unsure and would love to hear others' thoughts.

Thanks!!!