So, I’m aware I’ll have to destroy this account, but…

I’ve been alone for about a year, I have two grown boys that come and go as they please. Searching to fill the time I found random people online to chat with. Nothing real, but then I met a girl that I had real chemistry with. Smart, funny, pretty. A few days into this I find out she was about to take her three young children and run away from her abusive husband. Of course I support this, and I’m into her so I’m thrilled she’s going to start over and be ok.

She makes it to a shelter in another state and now she single and starting again in a shelter situation. We talk a lot, probably 50 messages or more a day every day. She’s highly emotional and clearly it’s justified. She wants me to be her new partner, her best friend, her lover, and I’m thrilled. She panics when I don’t respond quickly, I work a lot, so I come back to 10 or more missed messages that I quickly respond to. There’s chemistry, comedy, and as much sexual stuff as a message can provide.

A month into this and I have real feelings, I don’t know how or why, but this felt real. We have plans, a future, a real life together ahead of us. I’m afraid of her having little ones because it’s been so long for me, but I thought I could do it again to be loved and wanted.

She’s afraid of being found, and I’m afraid for her. I’m a very tall, fairly muscular man, but I’m in my 40s and I don’t have a violent bone in my body. I worry about trying to keep her safe from a man that she described as being larger than me, violent, and armed, but in my mind I want to be that person for a woman that I think could be what I need.

One day, out of nowhere, the messages stop. No good morning, no I miss you and I’m thinking of you, just silence from a woman that couldn’t stop messaging me. I don’t think anything about it at first, I send a few messages to say hello and what I’m doing, but silence from her… the next day I start to think she’s in trouble, she has a lunatic ex, a crazy stalker down the street and who knows what else. I message her at least 10 times. One message saying that even if she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, just let me know so I don’t worry… silence.

I call and she finally messages me back asking me to call her back… so I do. She’s ok, and I’m so relieved. She explains that I haven’t been messaging her enough, she felt unwanted and pulled away. I explained that I did want her and that I was so afraid something had happened and that I would never know what and it truly terrified me.

I’m a bit big, and I look aggressive, but I’m very soft. I do get emotionally attached to people and I do worry about everyone I’m close to.

Everything is back to normal, and why not, we’re in love, right? Two weeks later she’s dealing with legal stuff to keep the kids away from their monster of a father, who could blame her? I worry about it all the time and I listen to her fears and concerns. I admit that I’m not equipped to help give her advice because I don’t know anything about abuse or being in a situation where I had no options. I have a masters and grew up with a family that protected me from that, but I tell her I can listen to her and be there for her because what else could I possibly offer?

Out of nowhere, silence again… have I done something wrong? Am I being ghosted out of nowhere? Did her neighbor abduct her? Did her husband find her? What can I do?

Here’s where it goes bad on me… I do have OCD, not the fun kind, but the kind where I can fixate and the stuff I do to keep it at bay does nothing to help. I know I was stupid, but I text her at least 30 times. Two or three of the messages where emotional whet I explained that if she is done with me that’s ok, but please just let me know that she and the kids are ok. Three days and I actually feel like my heart is breaking like I’m some 13 year old kid. I sent one final message asking her to please not leave me not knowing what happened or if I did something wrong, or if there was a legal issue that she is struggling with. I said I wanted to be there for her and said that I didn’t deserve to be ghosted, I just need to know what to do. I don’t mind if she wants things to be over, but I do need to know so I can move forward. Very pathetic I’m aware. I was completely in the wrong for messaging so many times without a response, and it was highly emotional and clingy.

I get a text back. She’s overwhelmed, so overwhelmed with my texts that she can’t read them and reply… she has so much going on and I’m making everything worse. I reply with I agree, I’m sorry, I’ll be around. Then back to silence. But I still believe this woman wants me, she’s just overwhelmed. I text again asking if she’s ok and was ready to tell me what happened. I get a very long response the next day.

Nothing happened, she thinks I’m suffering from depression, that I’m a huge burden on her, I panic too easily and she can’t take it. I don’t leave my house ever, and I work a job that I hate.

I do work a job that I hate. I support a lot of people. I need to earn a minimum of 150,000 annually to do that and keep my house. I’ve been very busy so I’m working day and night to keep up, but I do this from my home. I haven’t been going to the pub or gym as often as I did before, because I’m exhausted. I travel fairly often as well for work which is also difficult for me. I’m not exactly what you would call a failure at life, I’m not sure if that’s what she was implying?

I explained that I’m not depressed, she knows I have OCD and I reminded her of that, but it’s only triggered when I’m stressed and when people I care about might be hurt. I worry and can’t turn it off. A message to let me know she’d be busy for a week is all I would have needed to be ok. I explained that I never leaned on her and didn’t really need anybody to support me or make me happy. I said that if I had known that was what she thought of me I would have done things very differently. I explained why I work the way I do and that my responsibilities can’t be ignored even if I have to do things I don’t want to.

And now it’s over, I assume.

Is there anyway I’m not completely to blame for all of this? Have I been a single so long that I have become clingy? Should I have ignored some of her messages and just played aloof? She said that I needed counseling and said I drink all the time. I’ve always been told I was incredibly stable.

I went to a therapist years ago because of some issues where I felt like I was failing and she told me that I was just trying to take on too much responsibility, but never unstable. Do they not tell you if you have an issue?

I think I actually do drink too much now that she said it. I drink for work meetings, and I usually have a few beers at night at least 3-4 nights a week and never thought anything about it. I also spend my nights out at a pub drinking beer and eating crappy food.

Does she share any blame for this, or do I just pick up the pieces and move on as the idiot who should be single? There have been women that have approached me, but I’ve pushed them away thinking I wasn’t ready. One recently at the pub I go to, but she’s not even thirty yet. That’s actually why my kids thought I was depressed, they saw her ask if I ever wanted to do anything and I said I couldn’t. This was partly because of her age, and because I was talking to a woman online that I didn’t tell my kids about. Should I go back and beg for a date just to see if she thinks I’m nuts after a month or so?