In my last year of high school, I made a discord group chat with some people from one of my classes that I talked to a lot and when I graduated. About a year later, I started to feel like I was being ignored in that chat and that some of the people didn't like me, so I lashed out and reacted to one of the people's texts where they were making fun of their own race. (For context, me and one other person in that chat were white, one person was hispanic and the rest were black). I said "And you say white people are racist"... So that started a whole thing where every person in the chat was telling me off, and like an idiot, I didn't back off. One person said "How is it racist to make fun of your own race?" I said something like, "You know infighting happens in people's own race, right? It can be harmful." I can't remember anymore what else I said back then, but it didn't help my case that I kept arguing back. One person in the chat (the other white person) ended up telling me they were gonna call me and I need to join. So I did, but I stayed muted and they scolded me for a while about how the stuff I was saying was not okay. When the call was over, I gave up my arguments and started begging and apologizing and trying to say stuff the people wanted to hear in the group, but they responded angrily and started cursing at me. I had to leave at some point to do something irl and they said something like "Don't try to escape from this". They went on about how I need to be educated and one person said I was born racist because I was white. I told them I had never said anything like that (everything I said) before to anyone else, but that didn't help. I couldn't understand what they wanted from me at the time. When I asked what they wanted, they didn't answer me and kept cursing at me. Eventually my adrenaline was shot up so much and I was scared, so I decided to leave the group chat. When I left, I was texted by two of the people and they asked me why I left and they scolded me some more. I'm not asking if I'm "the asshole" here, I know what I said in that chat was horrible. I approached everything in the worst way possible. I could have simply told them I felt ignored in the first place and been transparent about how I felt. But instead, I went on about some stupid thing about race. It's been more than a few years at this point. I've moved out of my parents to another state. But ever since that happened, I've been having nightmares about trying to make amends with some of those people. Especially one, who I miss so much. I cry a lot, thinking about what I did, and now I'm always afraid of losing my friends. At one point, I almost hurt myself on purpose because of what happened. Every time I tell myself "It's time to move on", I think I have, but then I have these nightmares again. In these dreams, I'm always trying to approach these people in person and trying to talk to them, but they ignore me, avoid me or start yelling at me. After these dreams, I always wake up feeling really depressed. I've tried to add them back as friends on discord, because I want to show them I'm a different person and that I want to be genuine friends with them. But one of them had "not accepting friend requests" on and the other two people I tried adding are stuck on pending. I don't know what else to say.. I guess I just need some insight. I'm fully expecting people to be mad at me. I'm sorry.