so, i don’t know if anyone will read this because this is my first post, but i need to vent. i haven’t told anyone about this and feels heavy on my chest

so, for context, i’m a 23 year old bisexual female and i met my ex gf because she was my student (i was 21 and she was 18. and no, it wasn’t in highscool lol, it was in a language school where diferent languages were taught. i taught english, so if there are any mistakes, sorry, enlish’s not my first language) when i saw her, she innmediately catched my eye because she was LITERALLY my type, so it was just a crush. after a couple of classes she stayed at the end of the class and told me that in all those classes she couldn’t pay attention because she was looking at me the whole time (lol, i know), but i didn’t really say anything but that stuck with me.

months passed and nothing happened, but around 2 weeks before i stopped working there i told the class i had that the two next weeks were my last ones working there, then she stayed after class and askef me if after i stopped working there, she could ask me for a date, and i said “we’ll see’ and nothing else. after a couple of days i received a follow request on instagram and it was her, i accepted OBVIOUSLY and she sent me a dm asking me on a brunch date the morning after and i said yes, OFC. we went out the next day and it was a really great date. after that, we started hanging out and then started dating.

after a couple of months she moved to another city and it was soooo obvious she lost interest because she didn’t care about anything i told her about my day, me or anything and she only wanted to speak about herself. i got tired and broke up with her. to sum up my feelings, she was the first person i dated that i was really attracted to, she was my type from head to toe, but i’m really intense and love to show a lot of affection, either if it’s through fisical contact, gifts or words, but that wasn’t reciprocated and we NEVER were intimate and she didn’t even serm atracted to me, so that was kinda offputing.

months after breaking up with her i met my now boyfriend. when we had our first date everything felt right and calm, like I was in the right place. and after the first date we never stopped seeing each other, and it has been two years now. this is literally my perfect relationship, everything is reciprocated, we are both really intense by showing our feelings for each other; we adopted a cat together, and really this is the man I want to marry.

the thing is that, i’m bisexual but mostly attracted to girls so this sapphic part of me is now kind of left in the dark. and also for context my boyfriend isn’t homophobic at all and is part of the queer community so this has nothing to do with him being homophobic or wanting for me to repress who I am or anything like that

i have this feeling of, i want a sapphic love but at the same time i want to be with my boyfriend, and if i have to let go that part of me that wants this sapphic romance to be with him forever. i mean, ofc i’m fine with that, that’s what i chose and still do. but those two feelings meet each other and it’s really confusing. for about three months now i have been on and off chatting with my ex girlfriend, and she told me that the reason that she was acting like that was because she was surrounded by all his changes in her life and she didn’t know how to manage them. that she just stopped paying attention to me to pay attention to everything else in her life. she told me that she really liked me at that moment, but it was hard facing those changes and having a stable relationship.

during these three monts, we have seen each other two times, for less than 30 minutes. but the last time that we saw each other, we kissed, and it felt weird, like, i liked it but it felt weird like something was off. something in me wants to keep talking to her but during these months, i’ve stopped talking to her five times, removed her from my life five times, because I want to talk to her but at the same time i love my boyfriend and it feels so confusing because I have this two feelings of, i want to marry my boyfriend, be with him forever, but I have this attraction to my ex and it’s really weird. i don’t know how to explain that, but everything is on my mind all the time and I don’t know what to do.

i know for a fact that I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend, but i have this feeling of wanting to keep talking to her and it’s really weird because whenever i cut contact with her, weeks pass and I start thinking about her all the time, and i have this urge to speak to her and it’s really frustrating because whenever we talk, she shows me that interest that she didn’t have an a relationship, or at least the time that we were together after she moved, that she didn’t show whatsoever. so it’s really weird that she’s showing something that wasn’t present and the relationship that was 2 and a half years ago

I really just want to vent, and if someone has any advices or feedback please just tell her as raw as you can, i just need to have some advice or someone to talk to about this, and reddit was the only thing i thougt