Part 1: Several months ago, my partner (F 36) and I (M 38) were hosting dinner with a mixed group of new friends (M-F 30s) and my friend (F 39) from college. My partner and my friend had met and spent a moderate amount of time together prior to this dinner party.

Early in the evening we were all sharing how folks knew one another and I explained my friend and I knew each other from college days. My friend, in a joking tone, added on that I spent a lot of time at her college house because I was “sleeping with [her] roommate.” True, I was briefly seeing her roommate. I laughed it off and moved to the next topic. My friend and I have never been romantically or physically into each other, and we complement each other’s sense of humor which can sometimes be a bit crass.

After dinner, my partner explained that she was hurt and offended by what my friend said and my lack of addressing it in the moment. It didn’t cross my mind that it would bother my partner, nor did it seem entirely inappropriate to me, given our (my friend and I) shared sense of humor. AITAH?

Part 2: Today, my partner and I were discussing an upcoming trip I have. I work in the hospitality business and take clients on extended 16 day backcountry trips, whitewater rafting through the Grand Canyon. Occasionally, I have the opportunity to take a friend or loved one along as an “assistant” which is a huge perk of the job and something I’ve had the privilege of doing several times. Previously, I’ve taken one of my parents, and several other close friends (M and F).

My friend from Part 1 will be my assistant on my upcoming trip. I was talking with my partner about logistics for the trip and noted that I think my friend will get along well with the guide crew. My partner said, “Hopefully she doesn’t mention anything about you sleeping with her roommate.” I was surprised, didn’t know quite how to react, and said, “Maybe that’s one you should let go of.” This led to a tense but civil conflict and my partner being upset with my response.

Okay, I think it’s likely that ITAH for my response, but AITAH overall? How could I better respond in the future?