Not exactly an "am i the asshole", more of an "am i an asshole". Going to keep it very vague since my ex, who I am going to call 'Bob', has used reddit in the past.

I was in an online (...) 'relationship'/situationship for 4 years on and off with Bob. I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under a year. I want to make it clear that I dont miss my ex. I dont want to get back together with him. I just keep thinking about him, like, menacingly LOL. About how much he hurt me emotionally, and deep thoughts of hatred(?) Manifesting pain on him(?).

Bob was incredibly mentally unwell, so that was the reason that he didn't want to get together with me. I was accepting of this at the time. I was entirely obsessed with him, due to my major depression at the time and low self esteem issues. Bob was well aware of my feelings for him, and we talked sexually and romantically despite him saying we couldnt get together. I blame myself for staying so long, but I also irrationally hate him for allowing me to stay, coaxing me back whenever I said I finally had enough of being comitted to eachother, yet not committed. He wasn't with anyone else that I know of. The breaking point was around year 4 when I was forced to lay down an untimatium, that either we would get in a relationship, or we would stop talking (since my feelings were so strong). Bob chose to get together. So we did, for 4 months i think? Then it ended. I don't remember what was the breaking point? Maybe all of it. I just remember hating him so vehemently.

That is just context

I hate him now very deeply. He got into a relationship with someone after me, which is fine in a vaccum. The reason why it upsets me is because he made me wait so long, but not the new partner. I waited for 4 years, which were some heavy developmental years (explains why i stayed). Yet he got into a relationship less than a year after we broke up? It makes me feel like somehow I just wasnt enough all those years, when we only got together because I had to force him into it. Its horrible. But I wasnt perfect either. I became so deeply insecure due to our 'relationship', or lack thereof, that I'd act out in ways to get his reassurance. And he would GIVE it to me, while somehow also saying nuh uh dont cross boundaries remember we arent together!???. It fucks with my head so much. I dont know why I resent him still. I cant even stand hearing his actual name. I'll hear it in any context and just feel ill.

When we broke up I wanted to sabotage myself in every way. I partied, I drank, I made wreckless decisions, like putting myself in potentially dangerous situations but not caring. I cried and cried until my head hurt and I couldnt stay awake anymore because I exhausted myself with it. I hated him, then I missed him, then I hated him even more, every part of him, every bit of him because I was never enough to commit to.

But enough about that bro. Just typing this out is making me feel horribly guilty, and maybe I should be. I currently have a very loving, caring boyfriend who treats me very well. He has cute interests, and likes the dumb shit that I'm into. We cant spend more than a week apart. He allows me to get my way even though I feel horrible for that. Hes a very silly guy who feels his emotions at 100% all the time. He laughs at the dumbest brainrot memes but somehow he makes them funny because hes laughing so hard he can hardly breathe. We have our issues but it always results in calm communication. We have a freaking cat son who we take care of together. He wants to move in with me eventually, wants to be with me for years and years. And we have a great sex life!! Hes into everything that I'm into!

So this is why I dont fucking understand why I am still angry at a betrayal that happened so long ago. How I could be wasting energy ruminating on how it all went wrong, on the ways hes mistreated me and just being so goddamn angry and sensitive to the point where I wish bad things on my ex.Its not even like hes the one that was entirely at fault, I had a huge part in our 'relationship' too. I have so much love in my boyfriend, and I'm wasting my energy hating something that is long over, and theres nothing to be done about it now. I even find myself keeping a distance from my boyfriend because I assume it isnt going to last forever, even though I want it to so desperately. I treat him constantly like he is going to betray me in the same way. I have self harmed to recieve his reassurance before, just like I did with my ex?? Im carrying over toxic behaviours I thought I had rid myself of. It is so hard to be vulnerable with my bf. I dont let myself text him sometimes because I DONT want to get so attached like I was before. To clarify, I am attached, I just dont want to be obsessed. To be nothing without him like I was with my ex. Even though he is pure at heart, I just DONT entirely trust him. And hes never done anything to be untrustworthy.

I have told my boyfriend about the ex but not too in depth since I dont want to upset him.

TLDR: Im still mad at my ex for betraying me. And I feel like an asshole/ might actually be a bad partner for that because my current boyfriend is pure.

Is there any way to get over something like this? Any way to shift my way of thinking away from my ex? Am I an asshole for not being over this? I dont even know what I'm asking. Is therapy the go to moment here, lol?? Sorry for the vent/rant.