A decade or so ago, my brother took his life after having marital troubles with my ex-sister in-law which included her cheating on him and subsequently planning to file for divorce. This also occurred a short period of time after we lost our father, who my brother was very close with.

My mother's pain and suffering through this time was unimaginable. My mother lived several more years after his, but I don't believe she ever fully recovered. My brother's kids were preteens. (I'm avoiding exact ages to maintain anonymity.) I still get choked up when recalling the initial phone call from my mother and the painful drive several hours away to the city of his death that we immediately took at my mother's insistence. Family was everything to my mother. Obviously, my brother’s kids’ suffering was unimaginable as well.

The week or so afterward and the funeral are a bit of a blur, but the tension was high throughout the process. My ex-SIL moved on fairly quickly after the rather hefty life insurance payout and no longer needing a divorce and married her affair partner. My mother (until she passed) and the rest of my family have stayed in contact with my ex-SIL to maintain a relationship with my brother's children. However, we have limited our interactions with the ex-SIL to the minimum necessary. To my ex-sil's credit, she encourages the kids to maintain contact with us. Various times throughout the past decade or so, I catch various comments indicating some guilt and/or remorse for her transgressions. Further to my ex-sil's credit, her kids are well behaved and productive members of society although one child does have some social scarring in my opinion.

When my mother passed, which was before my brother's kids were adults, she left a package of material in her safe deposit box with instructions to share with my brother's kids when they became adults. My mother ever forgave my ex-sil. I have not honored that request. The package included the police report on my brother's death. Beyond the graphic descriptions, it also included a transcript of my brother's farewell letter posted on social media which explicitly described my ex-sil’s transgressions and his love for his children.

I believe I have forgiven my ex-sil as I believe not forgiving harms me more than the transgressor. However, I have not forgotten. In addition, tact and grace do not describe my ex-sil and I really tried to limit my time with her prior to the troubles with my brother. (My brother was also a bit obnoxious, and I preferred to be around him in small doses as well.) I believe my ex-sil would still like to be a part of my extended family, and I don’t believe she should have that privilege. My ex-sil’s new husband (the AP) is also a bit overly expressive.

In the coming months, one of their kids is getting married. My family, my siblings and all the other cousins have been invited, and we are planning to attend. Like a lot of weddings these days, the rehearsal dinner will include most of the invites to the wedding. While I want to fully support my nephew and his bride, I am just not sure I can attend the rehearsal dinner that will likely include self-serving speeches by the stepdad (the AP) and my ex-SIL. I just believe any speech from the AP and ex-SIL will cross a boundary for me. I also believe I can comfortably explain to my nephew that our travel arrangements do not allow us to be there in time for the rehearsal dinner. I certainly do not want to get triggered to say something that takes away the attention from my nephew and his bride.

WIBTA for not attending my nephew’s rehearsal dinner?